How Micro-Efforts Can Transform Your Relationship – In 5 Minutes A Day

by | May 9, 2018 | Communication, Relationship Tips, Seeing Solutions, Stronger Relationships | 2 comments

“Micro-efforts lead to macro-changes in relationships. Small, meaningful and consistent effort towards our partners is the recipe for a strong relationship. You don’t need more relationship hacks; you need more micro-efforts

At a recent couples’ communication workshop I hosted, I pulled out a nugget of communication gold that I need to share here. And, this simple solution, when applied to your relationship on a consistent basis, is going to help you build a stronger relationship with your spouse (or partner).

I asked the same question I ask every new couple when they come to therapy for the first time: “What is one thing your partner did for you that led you to fall in love with them?”

One of the couples shared a story of how the husband would drive by his wife’s office every day and leave a small note on her windshield.

These little notes would read: “Can’t wait to see you tonight.” Or “I’ve got dinner waiting for you when you get home”.

I asked what was so special about those notes. And the wife replied that they made her feel loved – every single day.


When I turned to the husband and asked how much trouble it was to write these small notes, he replied, “Oh, none. Her office is on my route home, so I’d just stop by and put one under her windshield wiper. It didn’t take but a couple minutes.”

Now, I never saw the couple again after the workshop. And I’m not sure if the husband ever went back to writing those little notes.

But, one thing became really clear to me. How many of us have stopped doing the little things that were so effective in communicating to our partner that we love them?

Chances are, we have let a lot of those love generators slide. And I’m telling you, it’s time to bring them back.


It’s time to look back to our courtship and pick out those micro-efforts we used to make. If you can’t remember what those efforts were, talk to your partner about them. In fact, please talk to your partner about them.

When you discuss the little things that helped you fall in love with each other, you accomplish a task essential to your relationship: you and your partner author your own, personalized “How to Have Great Communication” handbook.

Your past holds clues to what created the love between you.

The success of your relationship and communication is not because of the newness of your relationship – it wasn’t solely a by-product of a honeymoon phase.

The success of your relationship forming was because of your efforts. Your micro-efforts.

Rediscover your micro-efforts and you’ll rediscover great communication.

I promise.

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About the Author

Jonathan Van Viegen is a full-time relationship coach and licensed psychotherapist helping adults and couples improve one of the most important relationships in their life – the one with their partner. Jonathan’s approach has helped 100’s of clients struggling to maintain a lasting, loving relationship while navigating the challenges of parenting. Jonathan’s goal with this blog is to offer you a behind the scenes look at his life to show that it is possible to create the kind of relationship you desire – using simple skills that anyone can learn.


  1. Matthew Grant

    I am a fan. I think everyone should read this blog.

    • Jonathan Van Viegen

      Ahh, thank you Matthew! I love and appreciate your support:)


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