From:
Jonathan Van Viegen
My city apartment, Panama City, Panama
Monday, June 8, 2026
Dear Friend,
How do you continue choosing your spouse during conflict?
Let me tell you: it’s not through better communication.
You couldn’t think of a steeper goal if you tried.
Conflict always activates something much deeper.
Four things, to be precise:
- Fear.
- Shame.
- Guilt.
- Embarrassment.
That’s why I ask couples two questions:
“Do you believe you’re capable of the relationship you desire?”
“And do you believe you deserve it?”
Most people say yes.
But deep down, many people carry identity wounds that tell them otherwise.
And those wounds create all kinds of problem behavior.
You need reassurance…
But instead of asking for it, you start a fight.
You want to know you’re loved…
But instead of saying that out loud, you test your spouse.
We need to own what we want.
Not hide from it.
I openly tell my wife that I need reassurance.
Some days I’ll literally ask her to lay beside me, stroke my hair, and remind me how much she loves me.
Why?
Because I like it.
Most people do the opposite.
They’re terrified to ask for reassurance.
So they act out the wound instead.
They protest.
Withdraw.
Criticize.
Get defensive.
Anything except simply saying what they want.
I have strong faith, and I often think about two people becoming one flesh.
I think of it like this:
My wife and I are tethered together.
She’s my external hard drive.
If I need something emotionally, I simply ask her for it.
And if we entered marriage with the intention of helping each other get what we want emotionally, then we no longer need shame around asking.
If you’re stuck in the same arguments…
If resentment ruins your connection…
There’s usually a wound underneath you’re afraid to talk about.
One conversation is often enough to finally see it.
It may not be enough to heal it, but if you don’t have that first conversation, the healing never starts.
If you’d like my help, book a Clarity Call.
We’ll figure out what’s really happening beneath the surface and create a plan to help you feel chosen and cherished again.
