THE DESIRE MANIFESTO
The more you talk about your needs, the less your spouse wants to meet them.
How do I know that?
Because 10,000 hours of working with couples has made one thing crystal clear to me:
When you say ‘needs’ to your spouse, the hair on the back of their neck stands straight up.
You’ve probably heard the cliché advice that healthy communication means clearly expressing your needs.
But let me break something down for you:
Every time you say, “I need you to listen more,” “I need you to be more affectionate,” or “I need you to prioritize me,” they don’t hear what you’re longing for…
They hear pressure. Obligation. Another expectation.
And another way they’re failing you.
Eventually, the very person you’re trying to pull closer begins moving further away.
That’s why I want you to stop talking about your needs… and start revealing your desires.
I was working with a lot of couples this week, and the ‘needs’ theme came up way more than I like.
Now, I’m not saying we don’t all have relational needs.
Of course we do. We all want to know that we matter, and that our spouse cares enough about our connection to protect it.
What I am saying is that calling something a need does not make your spouse more willing to give it to you.
More often than not, they become defensive.
They shut down.
And leave you feeling so alone, you wonder if they even heard you.
Well, I heard you. And that’s why I’m writing you this manifesto.
To share with you a different perspective of how to get what you want from your spouse.
And I’m so confident that once you understand why the word ‘needs’ is damaging to your relationship …you’ll stop using it like Meredith and I have… and build a marriage that feels chosen and cherished.
People turn their wants into needs because they’re afraid.
They think that simply wanting something isn’t enough.
They think their desires won’t matter unless they can prove they’re hurting.
So “I want more affection” becomes “I need more affection.”
“I want to feel close to you” becomes “I need you to make me feel loved.”
Underneath all of it, you’re really asking:
“Will what I want matter to you?”
“Do I have to be falling apart before you’ll take me seriously?”
“Will you choose to care about me if I can’t force you to?”
What you don’t understand is that your spouse is human.
Sometimes they’re tired.
Sometimes they’re thoughtless.
Sometimes they’re distracted, resentful, overwhelmed, or simply incapable of giving you what you want–in that moment.
If your ability to be okay depends entirely upon your spouse consistently meeting your needs, you are setting both of you up to fail.
Pretty soon, every misstep or missed moment becomes evidence that:
“I don’t matter.”
“I’m not important.”
“I’m not chosen.”
That is how one disappointment becomes an identity-level wound… and how a marriage slowly grows cold.
Most of us were never taught to live from desire.
We were taught to be realistic. To lower our expectations. To accept what we’ve been given and stop asking for more.
Eventually, we lose faith in two things:
That we are worthy of what we want.
And that we are capable of getting it.
So instead of building the marriage we desire, we keep presenting each other with an inventory of everything we still need.
“I have a need, and you need to meet it.”
“I have a need, and you have to fulfill it.”
When you live inside that scarcity mindset, you begin looking only for the moments when your partner doesn’t meet your needs.
That’s not how I do therapy. It’s not how I live my life. And it’s definitely not how Meredith or I approach our relationship.
We look for the things we want.
And we simply ask for them.
If couples became better at asking for what they wanted instead of repeatedly prosecuting one another for their unmet needs, I believe many of their hardest conversations would change almost overnight.
That’s not because every desire would suddenly be fulfilled.
It’s because desire is much more inviting than obligation.
Imagine you said:
“I want to feel your arms around me tonight.”
That isn’t an accusation.
It’s an invitation.
You haven’t told them how they’re failing.
You’ve shared with them how you want to be shown love.
Through my experience—having worked with well over a thousand couples and now being in my twelfth year doing couples therapy—I’ve watched this happen again and again.
The moment you make a conversation about unmet needs, it becomes acrimonious and resentful.
One person feels deprived. The other feels inadequate. And both leave feeling more disconnected.
Now, I’m not a fool and am well aware that there are conditions a marriage requires to be healthy.
Loyalty. Honesty. Transparency. Fidelity. Commitment.
I’m not asking anyone to demote those into casual preferences.
I’m talking about the hundreds of ordinary moments in which we try to make our desires more important by presenting them as emergencies.
You shouldn’t have to manufacture an emergency for what you want to matter.
I want you to imagine two homes.
In the first home, everyone talks about what they need.
“I need you to help more.”
“I need you to listen.”
“I need more affection.”
“I need you to change.”
Everyone is keeping an inventory of what hasn’t been given. Everyone feels deprived. Everyone else feels inadequate.
Now imagine another home.
A home where everyone feels safe enough to reveal what they deeply want.
“I want to feel close to you.”
“I want more time together.”
“I want to know what’s happening inside you.”
“I want to feel your arms around me.”
In that home, nobody is guaranteed everything they ask for.
But nobody has to be ashamed of wanting it either.
Or, more importantly, asking for it.
Nobody is so desperate that they have to convert a want into a need to get their desires to be taken seriously.
Which home would you rather live in?
I know what some of you are thinking:
“What if I tell my spouse what I want and they still don’t care?”
Then the problem is no longer your vocabulary.
Changing “I need” to “I want” will not cure indifference. It will not make an unwilling spouse suddenly become invested in your marriage.
But it will reveal something important.
There is a difference between a spouse who doesn’t understand what you want, a spouse who cannot give it right now, and a spouse who simply refuses to care.
You need to know which one you’re dealing with.
Desire does not guarantee that your spouse will move toward you.
But it gives them the clearest possible invitation to do so.
18 years deep, Meredith and I have never talked about our needs.
We simply tell one another what we want.
Not because we always get it.
Because we’re not afraid of each other’s response when we hear it.
We don’t want to live in a home where it’s unsafe to say the thing under the thing.
Case in point:
My daughter came to me last year and said, “Dad, I want a horse.”
Should I have said ‘no’ and crushed a little girl’s spirit? Should I be the kind of father that ends a potential Olympic equestrian rider’s dream before it even started?
I wasn’t about to put a horse in our backyard the day after she asked.
But I’m not in the business of shaming my daughter for wanting a horse.
I’m in the business of being curious.
Curious enough to ask, “Sweetheart, how can I help you get that horse?”
At 50, I want a PlayStation 5. Meredith doesn’t want me to have one (and honestly, she may be saving our family from losing me to Call of Duty).
The point is not that everyone gets everything they want.
The point is that a loving home makes room for people to express what they do want.
Sometimes–very often actually–we say no to each other.
But not before we explore the request. Negotiate it. Postpone it. Or find another version of it.
And we definitely don’t make one another feel foolish for wanting it.
I want you to get in touch with your desires. And then practice saying the two simplest words in your marriage:
“I want…”
As in,
“I want intimacy.”
“I want a hug.”
“I want you to sit beside me.”
“I want a message from you when we’re apart.”
“I want to feel important to you.”
“I want to understand you.”
“I want to feel chosen by you.”
You don’t have to turn your desire into a need to make it legitimate.
You don’t have to collapse because it feels like you’re not allowed to ask.
You don’t have to prove that you cannot survive without it.
You are simply allowed to want something because it would make your life—and your marriage—more beautiful.
So I’m going to challenge you to talk to your partner tonight about what you truly want for your relationship.
Ask your spouse:
“What do you want for us?”
Not, “What do you need me to fix?”
Not, “What have we failed to give each other?”
Once again, ask each other, “What do you want?”
Then listen. Listen without defending yourself.
And be curious about why they want it.
Remember, your spouse doesn’t expect you to fulfill all of their desires.
They simply want to know that you care about what matters to them.
In solutions and strength,
Jonathan
P.S. If you want to go deeper into everything I talked about today and build a marriage that doesn’t feel disappointing, I wrote a book for you.
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Just do me one favor: when you preorder your copy, send me a DM or reply to this email and let me know.
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