If you haven’t read Part 1 of this Manifesto, I challenged you to ask your spouse one question:
“How can I show you that I choose you today?”
Some of the responses people shared with me were beautiful.
“I asked my husband. He thought for several seconds and said, ‘I don’t know how to answer that.’ Then he got up, came over, and kissed me.”
That’s a meaningful win.
But one woman had a very different experience. She said:
“I asked him over our morning coffee while holding his hand. I got a blank, stunned look.
“He said, ‘I don’t know how I’m supposed to answer that,’ as though I was supposed to figure it out for him.
“That was all there was to it. It was void of any sense of connection or emotion. No further discussion was had.
“Then he promptly left to handle some things for his parents for the remainder of the day. He hasn’t been home yet and does not plan to join me during the call this evening.
“I feel so lost, disconnected, and discouraged.”
And it’s her response I want to begin with today.
Because what happens when you go first and your spouse doesn’t respond the way you hoped?
What happens when you reach for them and they don’t reach back?
What happens when the question that was supposed to help them feel chosen only seems to push them further away?
This Is a New Language
Early in my career, after earning my graduate degree in marriage and family therapy, I decided I wanted to build an online practice.
Around that time, I listened to the infamous internet marketer Tai Lopez. One thing he said has always stuck with me:
“First they ignore you. Then they laugh at you. Then they fight you. And then they join you.”
Why am I quoting an internet marketer in a manifesto about forgiveness?
Because this is a new language.
And it’s likely a language that hasn’t been spoken inside your home for quite some time… whether that’s five years, 10 years, or 15 years.
Everything I teach is language-based and language-driven. And learning a new language takes practice.
In Part 1, I talked about pain and resentment becoming the cork in the bottle.
So what happens when you try to pull that cork out?
Think of an infant trying to pull a cork from a bottle. They’re not going to do a very good job. They don’t have the grip strength yet.
Their muscles haven’t developed.
But an adult can pop the cork out.
It’s the same with the language we’re using.
If your spouse hasn’t heard you ask how you can make them feel chosen in a decade, they may not know what to do with the question.
They may ignore you.
They may laugh at you.
They may fight you.
And all of that will test one thing: Your perseverance.
It will test your belief in yourself, in them, and in your marriage. And it will test your courage.
Do you try this new way of speaking to your spouse, fail to receive the reaction you wanted, and then stop trying?
Because I think that’s what 90% of people do.
They try once. Their spouse looks confused, rejects them, or fails to offer the response they imagined.
And they decide:
“This doesn’t work.”
But you cannot run at the first sign of friction or resistance.
When that woman told me she felt completely discouraged, her husband’s response didn’t necessarily prove that he didn’t care.
It may have revealed how much pain and resentment he was carrying.
The more emphatically your partner pushes back, the harder they may be fighting to hold on to their version of the relationship.
They may be carrying so much pain, anger, resentment, and frustration that showing any sign of openness (any chink in the armour) feels threatening.
Opening themselves to you again means sticking their neck out again.
So they fight back. They hold on to the belief: “You are the source of my pain.”
Their view of the relationship has become saturated with pain. In their mind, all that pain exists because of you.
That doesn’t mean every part of their story is accurate.
When it comes to your partner’s pain, you may be handed all of it… including pain you didn’t cause.
Sometimes you’re even paying the fine for crimes other people committed.
Your spouse may need to hold on to the belief that you are the problem because it protects the way they currently understand their life:
“All the pain in this relationship is here because of you.”
And from inside that worldview, they may be unable to go first.
At least for now.
You Can Make the Vow. They May Not Be Ready.
In Part 1, I introduced two vows:
“I will hold your emotional well-being ahead of my own.”
And:
“I will show up better today than I did yesterday.”
You may be ready to make those vows.
Your spouse may not be… not yet.
Whether it’s the fear that admitting fault makes you a bad person or the belief that your spouse needs to change first, pain makes self-reflection difficult.
Both partners can use pain to hold onto the belief that they’re the one who is right. That’s why so many people refuse to go first.
And when they finally try but don’t get the reaction they wanted, they think:
“This won’t work.”
Or:
“This isn’t going anywhere.”
I cannot tell you this strongly enough:
You can’t tuck your tail between your legs and run in the opposite direction simply because you didn’t receive the response you wanted.
You have to be persistent.
I’m not telling you to pursue someone forever while they mistreat you.
I can’t tell you how long you should try. That’s a personal question only you can answer.
But I can tell you that one awkward response to a language your spouse hasn’t heard in years is not enough evidence to declare the relationship beyond repair.
You need to try again.
You need to try differently.
And you need to learn how to recognize movement when it happens.
Become an Expert at Reading the Room
This is probably one of my superpowers: I’ve become an expert at reading the room.
And you need to become one, too.
Imagine the trench warfare of World War I. If you gain one foot of territory, you dive into that trench, fortify it, defend it, and refuse to give it back.
You gained valuable ground.
Repair can work the same way. If you notice your spouse softening — even slightly — pay attention. If you see movement in them, memorize it.
Become an expert at reading the room and evaluating your progress along the path toward a better relationship.
Your job is to recognize and store your successes.
I call it timestamping.
When you do something that works, timestamp it in your mind:
“Okay, that’s what I want to replicate. That’s what I want to do again.”
Maybe your spouse didn’t answer your question, but they stayed at the table five minutes longer than they normally would. Timestamp it.
Maybe they rolled their eyes but later came back and sat beside you. Timestamp it.
Maybe they said, “I don’t know,” but then kissed you three times. Timestamp it.
Don’t dismiss any amount of small movement because it wasn’t the complete repair you wanted. That one foot of ground matters.
Timestamping it in your mind is how you cement progress.
People are more likely to show up better when they feel better about who they are. They become more willing to sweep their own side of the street.
Do you think it was an accident that I asked you to tell your spouse you choose them?
I wanted you to send them a positive message about who they are.
At first, they may not believe you. That’s what the woman at the beginning of this manifesto experienced.
Your message may have to pierce years of armor. But eventually, they may begin believing you.
And when they begin believing you, they may start looking at you differently.
They may begin trusting you again. They may see hope returning to the relationship.
That’s what we want: Forward progress.
You don’t need to memorize every sentence or find the perfect script.
What comes out of your mouth mid-argument or over morning coffee at 9:00 a.m. doesn’t need to be written by ChatGPT.
Read the room.
Timestamp what worked.
Do more of it.
Then find a way to do it even better.
Curiosity Is How We Cherish
Part 1 was about choosing your partner.
This Part 2 is about cherishing them.
And if you remember only one idea from this part of the manifesto, remember this:
Curiosity is one of the clearest ways to cherish your spouse.
Relationships don’t only fall apart because people stop loving each other. They fall apart because they stop being curious about one another.
A lack of curiosity is often one of the first signs that something is going wrong. When couples find themselves in a difficult place, they begin pulling away.
The questions disappear:
“How was your day?”
“How are you doing?”
“What are you up to?”
You stop asking because you think you already know the answers. Or you stop caring about the answers because pain has convinced you that nothing good is left to discover.
But curiosity communicates something powerful:
“Your inner world still matters to me.”
It tells your spouse:
“I don’t only want to manage your behavior. I want to know you.”
So I want you to read the room again:
How curious are you about your spouse?
And how curious are they about you?
Ask Better Questions
Curiosity doesn’t require perfect language. It requires questions that invite your spouse to tell you more about their world.
You could ask:
“What would have been helpful for me to ask you about?”
Or:
“How can I make you feel cherished tonight?”
The questions aren’t the point.
The message underneath them is:
“Your inner world matters to me.”
And:
“I still want to know you.”
You can also pair those questions with identity-level messages that show you notice and honor who your spouse is:
“I admire your loyalty.”
“I trust your heart.”
“I love how your mind works.”
“You’re steady.”
“I like who you are.”
“Your sense of humor is amazing.”
This is the gold. You aren’t only rewarding behavior. You’re reminding your spouse that pain hasn’t erased every good thing you see in them.
Your Challenge Before Part 3
During the next 24 hours, I want you to do two things.
First, ask your spouse one question that demonstrates genuine curiosity.
If you aren’t sure what to ask, begin here:
“What’s one thing you wish I were more curious about?”
Then listen.
Don’t defend yourself.
Don’t explain why you haven’t asked before.
Don’t turn their answer into another argument.
Listen for the thing that matters to them.
Second, send them one honest identity-level message. Name one thing you still like, admire, respect, or value about who they are.
And if they don’t respond the way you hoped, don’t immediately decide that your effort failed.
Read the room.
Look for the smallest sign of movement.
Timestamp it.
Then ask yourself:
“How can I do more of what worked?”
Remember the woman at the beginning of this manifesto. She reached for her husband and received a blank stare. Maybe you’ll receive the same thing.
But a blank stare isn’t always the end of the conversation.
Sometimes it’s the first response of someone who hasn’t felt safe enough to hope in a very long time.
You’re speaking a new language.
Give both of you time to learn it.
In solutions and strength,
aka “Mr Chosen & Cherished”