I want to tell you about something that scares me more than infidelity.
Indifference.
I know that sounds strange coming from a couples therapist.
Infidelity can blow a marriage apart overnight.
But indifference typically doesn’t make a marriage crumble that quickly.
It happens slowly.
And then yes, suddenly.
What I’d be looking out for is when your spouse stops taking an interest in you and your life.
And this is where you want to get good at reading the room.
Do they smile when you walk through the front door?
Are you guys still watching shows together on the couch?
Is intimacy as passionate as it used to be?
Me? I’m looking at conflict with my wife as a good sign.
Because even if neither of us cheated or threatened to pack a suitcase, the fact that we’re still fighting tells me Meredith still cares enough to want to get her point across.
But if yelling was replaced with eye rolls or silence?
Then I’d seriously be wondering if my marriage was at DEFCON 1.
DEFCON 2 at least.
I’ve sat across from dozens of couples who tell me:
“We don’t really have any big problems.”
And they’re right.
They don’t.
And that right there is the problem.
It’s a problem because somewhere along the way, they’ve stopped investing enough in the relationship to even create one.
I spend a lot of time thinking about all the big things that could destroy a marriage.
Affairs. Lying. Wandering eyes. Emotional connections with someone other than your spouse.
But I think we should be paying more attention to what’s happening on a random Tuesday night.
Because if Meredith isn’t laughing when I tell her something funny happened…
Or she’s not as excited about my latest big idea as I am…
Then I’m going to know something’s off.
And if I detect any lack of curiosity on her part, you better believe I’m taking action.
Here’s how:
1. Read the room.
Don’t mistake silence for peace.
We spend more mental energy thinking about the dumb shit our boss says to us than what our spouse doesn’t say.
Pay attention.
2. If I pick up on any waning interest in my life, I’m going to overcompensate with interest in hers.
Enter questions…
3. Start with any question you don’t already know the answer to.
Not: “How was your day?”
You already know they’re probably going to say: “Fine.”
Try something more like:
“What’s been on your mind lately?”
“What do you have that you’re looking forward to right now?”
“Is there anything you wish we did more of together?”
4. Don’t expect your interest in them to fix their indifference overnight.
If your spouse has been checking out for a while, what they probably need from you is a pattern interrupt that continues over time.
Not one good conversation.
Not three great questions.
Consistency.
5. Don’t panic if what comes out isn’t what you wanted to hear.
Definitely don’t turn their answer into a conversation about you.
And don’t even think about defending yourself if what they say hurts.
There may be pain in there.
Let it come out.
Think of it like a pressure-release valve.
At first, there’s lots that needs to escape.
But eventually the outflow slows to a trickle, and now there’s room for something else to come back in.
Curiosity.
Connection.
And Interest.
Positive body language, eye contact, and a smile will lubricate the system even more.
But whatever you do, don’t become okay with the indifference.
I know you may be hurting too.
And you’re probably wondering why I’m asking you to go first.
The thing is, they’ll be going first with curiosity, too.
Just at a different time than you.
So for now…
Just be interested.
After 18 years with Meredith, I’m increasingly convinced that one of the greatest gifts I can give her is the belief that there is still so much more of her I want to know.
And, in my opinion, that’s one of the secrets to staying chosen and cherished:
Never becoming finished with each other.
In solutions and strength,
aka “Mr. Chosen & Cherished”