From:
Jonathan Van Viegen
Balcony of the Surf Lodge, Playa Venao, Panama
Tuesday, May 26, 2026
Dear Friend,
What would it mean to you if, in one week, you could take your relationship from a 4 to an 8?
If, for the first time in a really long time, your spouse genuinely felt: “I matter to them.”
I have a strong feeling it would mean a lot.
To them, yes.
But more importantly, to you.
Well, that’s what we’re going to be doing this week.
I’m going to show you how to get started.
And honestly?
It’s much simpler than people think.
Now the only thing I ask is this:
If this works… if you feel a shift happen in your relationship… tell me.
Because your success gives me what I need most: fuel.
Every week I write – a lot (even though the book is done):
Captions.
Newsletters.
Scripts for YouTube.
And while I genuinely love this work, the level of output required to keep doing it well needs a power source.
Your breakthroughs are that power source.
Your healing is my fuel.
That’s my ‘why’.
So with changing your relationship in mind, here’s where you begin:
Understand that what every human being craves most in relationships is emotional safety.
And emotional safety almost always manifests as a regulated nervous system.
You know the feeling I’m talking about:
You can breathe.
Relax.
Be soft.
Be fully yourself.
Yes, life still brings stress, and lots of it. Money, parenting, work, family – the list never ends.
But one of the greatest causes of emotional dysregulation inside relationships is this:
The feeling that your spouse does not understand the identity-level wounds you’ve been carrying since childhood.
For example:
“I’m leavable.”
“I’m not good enough.”
“I’m not successful.”
“I’m not worthy of being loved.”
Those are the messages many people unconsciously received growing up.
And now? Part of marriage becomes helping your spouse heal them.
That’s the mission.
Here’s where you start: Have a healing conversation.
Ask them this:
“What did you need to hear growing up that you rarely heard?”
Then ask:
“What do you think your deepest fear is in relationships?”
And finally:
“What do you wish I noticed about you more often?”
And when they answer, they might turn the lens on you.
But resist the urge to defend or explain yourself. And definitely don’t try to fix anything.
Just listen.
I teach couples that the goal in relationships is not perfection.
It’s persistence.
Because if the goal is emotional safety…
and you’re trying to push back against decades-old wounds and insecurities…
Then healing happens through consistency.
Meredith didn’t need me to become a perfect husband when she discovered my anger issues during the first year of our marriage.
She needed me to understand the wound she grew up with (not feeling good enough to be loved).
And as I did that, she did the same for me.
By consistently reminding me I was stayable…
I stopped needing anger to fight for reassurance.
I could finally ask for loyalty calmly instead of demanding it painfully.
I no longer felt ashamed for wanting to feel chosen by my wife.
And over time, something beautiful happened.
I softened.
She relaxed.
She felt safe.
And I felt confident.
That’s what emotional safety does.
Your spouse becomes softer when they truly believe your mission in life is to help them feel chosen, cherished, and safe.
Not perfectly.
Persistently.
I promise you that you don’t need a perfect plan. You don’t even need to know how to make them feel safe.
I know you’ll still mess up and fall back into old habits. You may even still get reactive sometimes like me.
But if both people return to the mission…
the relationship begins healing itself.
Because emotional safety changes everything.
So this week, if your wife secretly fears she’s not enough…
remind her she is.
If your husband secretly feels unsuccessful or unwanted…
remind him he’s respected, desired, and deeply chosen.
Become intentional about sending the opposite message of the wound.
That’s the work and the only plan you’ll need.
And honestly…
That’s what saves marriages.
