I want to invite you to start the week thinking about the two vows I believe are missing from most wedding ceremonies.
And let me tell you, when Meredith and I got married, we certainly didn’t make them.
We promised to love each other.
To be faithful.
To stay committed through sickness and health.
All important.
But after 18 years together and thousands of hours sitting across from couples, there are two more promises I think we need to add to that list:
I hold your emotional well-being ahead of my own.
And:
I promise to show up better in our marriage today than I did yesterday.
A lot of folks won’t believe me, but I believe those two simple shifts have the power to solve innumerable problems in your relationship.
And before you think I’m full of BS, let me explain why this works in the simplest way possible:
Most couples overcomplicate relationships.
They make it all about feelings, and processing, and safe spaces.
That’s what’s complicated.
What isn’t complicated is understanding that what you put into your marriage is what you take out.
Translation:
Effort makes excellence.
I’m saying you don’t need to connect over love languages, attachment styles, or energy work.
None of those things will compensate for a lack of effort.
I’m about 4,000 clients into my career and 17 years into my own marriage, and I can tell you this:
Effort is what makes marriage work.
So, how do you harness the momentum of effort?
Simple.
Start by reframing your mental state so that you’re open-minded and curious.
As in, you give a damn about who you’re married to.
Then, once you’re really interested in who your partner is and what they mean to you, say these two vows to them, lovingly and casually:
“Your emotional well-being matters to me – and I put it ahead of my own.”
“I promise to do better every day in our marriage.”
I’m not asking you to make grand gestures or sweeping sacrifices because I like hearing myself speak.
I’m saying that when you make a daily commitment to prioritize your partner’s feelings and continuously improve how you show up, you get handed the keys to the kingdom.
Because think about what happens when two people actually live this way.
Instead of asking, “What am I getting out of this marriage?” – you’re paying attention to what your spouse is getting from it too.
Instead of waiting for them to change, you’re asking yourself how you can show up better.
And if both people wake up every morning doing that?
That’s a Chosen & Cherished marriage.
Not because you suddenly stop having problems.
But because you’ve got two people committed to solving them.
And maybe that’s what marriage vows were supposed to be all along.
Not promises you make once, standing in front of everyone you love.
Promises you make again tomorrow morning when nobody’s watching.
In solutions and strength,
