If my wife refused to go to therapy with me, here’s exactly what I’d do.
There’s something you need to understand about people who won’t go to therapy… or “work” on their relationship.
It’s usually not that they don’t want a better marriage.
Most do.
The cork in the bottle preventing them from doing any kind of couples work is often rooted in four emotions:
Fear.
Shame.
Guilt.
Or embarrassment.
But those aren’t really the problem.
The real cork is the belief that if they try, they’ll fail.
Think about it for a moment.
When was the last time you wanted to do something but didn’t because, deep down, you didn’t think you’d succeed?
The business you never started.
The workout plan that fizzled out.
The new hobby you gave up on.
People don’t like failing because failure forces them to look in the mirror and say, “I failed.”
So they avoid trying in the first place.
That’s why simply telling your spouse to “go to therapy” rarely works.
Before they’ll take a step toward your marriage, they need to believe they won’t fail.
And here’s the beautiful part.
You don’t have to convince them that therapy is the answer.
You simply have to remind them that the only true failure is refusing to take the first step.
I’m not asking you to give them hope.
I’m asking you to invite them into faith.
Faith that tomorrow can be better than today.
Faith that they can learn.
Faith that together, you can build something stronger than what you have right now.
It’s the same faith the two of you had when you stood in front of your friends and family and said, “I do.”
On your wedding day, you weren’t operating on hope.
You were operating on faith.
Faith that whatever came your way, you’d face it together.
That same faith can still exist today.
And if Meredith was reluctant to join me, this is where I’d start.
I’d look at her and say:
“Sweetheart, if we couldn’t fail…
If the only failure was not trying in the first place…
If we committed to learning more about each other, understanding each other better, and showing up better in our marriage…
Would you join me?
Would you believe that whatever we put our minds to, we could accomplish? That together, we could build a better marriage?”
Then I’d remind her that couples therapy isn’t the only path.
Reading a book together is a path.
Watching videos together is a path.
Taking a walk and having one honest conversation is a path.
Whatever path our marriage is meant to take, refusing to start down it is the only way we can guarantee failure.
But taking that first step — armed with the same faith we had when we said, “I do” — is a path I’m always willing to take.
