A follower commented on one of my posts last week:
“I find it hard to believe you’re never angry or sad with your wife.”
My reply: “Believe me or not, but like I said, never.”
She pushed back. “I still find it hard to believe.”
I get it. It’s hard to know what a marriage looks like from the outside. Harder still when you don’t know me personally.
But if you’re reading this newsletter, you’re about to find out exactly why Meredith and I haven’t experienced anger or sadness with each other in over 7 years.
It comes down to those two words: anger and sadness.
We don’t allow those words to be used in reference to one another.
Only in reference to what either of us has done.
I can hear you already — “But you just said you never get angry or sad!”
That’s correct. We don’t. Not with each other.
Only with the behavior. Never with the person.
There’s a difference. And it’s everything.
I’ve never said Meredith can’t upset me. Or that I can’t upset her. We’re married. We disappoint each other all the time. But we do one thing better than most couples I’ve worked with in 17 years of practice:
We separate the person from the problem.
Why does that matter?
Because when you have something to blame — and that something is a behavior, not a human being — you create an off-ramp for the pain.
You still get to feel hurt. They still get to feel like a good person. And somehow, miraculously, they find the confidence to actually own their mistake.
Blame the person and they defend themselves. Blame the behavior and they apologize for it.
That’s not therapy language. That’s just how humans work.
What keeps couples emotionally connected isn’t the absence of disappointment. It’s never allowing disappointment to become evidence of who the other person is.
When you get that right, apologies come faster. Forgiveness comes easier. And anger and sadness stop having anywhere to live.
I call it the A.I.R. approach to disappointment:
A — Acknowledge the behavior. Not the person.
I — Identify the impact it had on you. Without blame.
R — Repair together. From a place of safety, not shame.
It’s the exact framework Meredith and I use that’s kept anger and sadness out of our marriage for over 7 years.
In solutions and strength,
