Meredith and I know how to fight.
In fact, if fighting were an Olympic sport, the early years of our marriage would’ve gotten us on the podium.
Here’s what our fights used to look like:
One of us would get frustrated. The other would immediately sense it. Before long, we’d both be reacting instead of responding.
Sometimes I’d come in too hot.
Or she’d pull away emotionally.
Sometimes we’d switch roles just to keep things interesting.
The details would change. But the pattern didn’t.
That was 18 years ago.
Now, don’t get me wrong… we still disagree. In fact, we had one of those moments yesterday.
The difference is that our arguments don’t own us anymore.
They don’t spiral out of control and have us thinking about the exit like they used to.
That’s not by accident.
It’s because we’ve learned how to make each other feel safe while we’re in it.
When emotions start running hot, I remind Meredith that I’m not upset with her. I’m upset about something that happened.
And when she feels hurt by the way I’ve come across, we know how to slow things down, repair the moment, and find our way back to each other.
Eighteen years ago, we didn’t have those tools.
We thought one of us had to be the problem… (usually me since I had the biggest issue with anger when it came to the two of us.)
Now we know something completely different.
The person is never the problem.
It’s the problem that’s the problem.
If you pause the tone, or the defensiveness, or the yelling, just for a second…
You’ll create enough space to remember that the person standing in front of you isn’t the villain.
They’re simply reacting.
That one shift changes everything.
Because the moment your spouse no longer feels like the enemy, safety returns to the conversation.
And once safety returns, solutions usually aren’t far behind.
That’s exactly what I unpack in this week’s video:
It’s less than eight minutes long, and I’ll walk you through the three scripts Meredith and I use to stay connected… even when we disagree.
Ending conflict isn’t the goal.
Feeling safe while you work through it is.
