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JONATHAN VAN VIEGEN

Author: Mariana-A

Marriage isn’t about getting your needs met… Here’s the better way to do it.

Posted on by Mariana-A

From:

Jonathan Van Viegen

My short-term apartment, Panama City, Panama

Monday, June 22, 2026

Dear Friend,

Happy Monday, everyone.

In today’s Chosen & Cherished Letter, I’m going to do my best to convince you to speak like a child again.

Because as adults, we’ve lost the innocence of asking for our deepest desires in the healthiest way I know.

Over the years, I’ve become convinced that one of the biggest mistakes couples make is turning their wants into needs.

And yet, if I’m honest, some of the deepest desires we carry sound like this:

“I want to be held.”
“I want to be your number one.”
“I want to be top of your mind.”
“I want that kiss in the morning.”
“I want to be hugged when I’m feeling down.”

These are all wants.

They aren’t needs. I know a lot of people disagree with me on that. But I think the distinction matters.

Because the word need creates pressure. And relationships don’t need more pressure.

On the other hand, the word want creates connection.

A Need says, “You owe me.” It comes across as a demand – whether it is or not.
Whereas a Want says, “I choose you.” It feels like an invitation instead.
That’s why I’ve come to believe that wants are pure.
In fact, I believe the covenant of marriage is this:
I want to wake up every single day helping you get more of what you want.
Not because you demanded it.
Not because you needed it.
But because I married you.
Because I chose you.
So here’s a question to sit with this week:
What if marriage wasn’t about getting your needs met?
What if marriage was about waking up every morning and asking:
“How can I help the person I love get more of what they want today?”
I have a feeling that question alone could change a marriage.
In strength and solutions,
Jonathan

The marriage advice I disagree with most… “Taking space” almost broke them apart.

Posted on by Mariana-A

From: 

Jonathan Van Viegen

Athanasiou Cafe, Panama City, Panama

Monday, June 15, 2026

Dear Friend,

This is how quickly it can turn your life around.

A few months ago, a man in my Chosen & Cherished Club sent me a message.

He told me he had moved out because the marriage had become toxic. There was trauma there, the resentment ran really deep, and neither of them saw a way through it.

But then he found my DIY program, he and his wife started it, and something magical happened: after a few weeks, his wife asked him to move back in.

And he sent me a message, crediting this unexpected 180 to what they’d learned in the program, and thanking me for saving his marriage.

I hesitate to take that much credit because, as any therapist will tell you, it’s the client who has to actually do the work.

But I can’t lie: it definitely brings me joy and fuels my heavy workload when I hear stories like this.

But one thing he said in particular really stood out to me, because it confirmed so perfectly the mistake I see couples – and other therapists – make, time and time again…

And that’s the impulse that they need space in order to figure things out.

But space is usually just the first slip down what becomes a very slippery slope to the end of a relationship.

As he put it, “I think the ‘moving out’ space almost destroyed our marriage and any hope…I think if we had heard of you prior to me moving out it might have not happened. I think for repair it’s important that I am home.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, hits the nail on the head.

You don’t need space in order to figure things out or make it better.

So many couples assume that some space and distance will bring them clarity.

And sure, occasionally it does.

But more often than not, it just makes things worse, and the relationship gets harder to repair.

What you actually need is a different S-word: safety.

You need to feel safe enough to tell the truth. To be vulnerable.

To set aside resentment for a few minutes, drop the defenses, and start connecting.

Only by starting with that connection can you truly work on repair.

Now, some couples are really great at self-study, and some save their relationship just from watching my reels.

But if you’re having trouble doing that on your own, then it might be time to see how I can help.

The best place to start is with a Clarity Call. I’ll take a few minutes to understand what’s going on for you, and help you identify the biggest obstacles standing between you and the marriage you want.

Then, if I believe I can help, I’ll show you what that path could look like.

These calls are best suited for couples who are serious about repair, willing to look at their own role in the problem, and ready to stop repeating the same conversations over and over again.

If that sounds like you, click here to book a Clarity Call.

I’d love to help you create a marriage where you both feel chosen and cherished.

In strength & solutions,

– Jonathan

aka “Mr. Chosen & Cherished”

Stop making your spouse guess… Ask for what you want instead of acting it out.

Posted on by Mariana-A

From:

Jonathan Van Viegen

My city apartment, Panama City, Panama

Monday, June 8, 2026

Dear Friend,

How do you continue choosing your spouse during conflict?

Let me tell you: it’s not through better communication.

You couldn’t think of a steeper goal if you tried.

Conflict always activates something much deeper.

Four things, to be precise:

  • Fear.
  • Shame.
  • Guilt.
  • Embarrassment.

That’s why I ask couples two questions:

“Do you believe you’re capable of the relationship you desire?”

“And do you believe you deserve it?”

Most people say yes.

But deep down, many people carry identity wounds that tell them otherwise.

And those wounds create all kinds of problem behavior.

You need reassurance…

But instead of asking for it, you start a fight.

You want to know you’re loved…

But instead of saying that out loud, you test your spouse.

We need to own what we want.

Not hide from it.

I openly tell my wife that I need reassurance.

Some days I’ll literally ask her to lay beside me, stroke my hair, and remind me how much she loves me.

Why?

Because I like it.

Most people do the opposite.

They’re terrified to ask for reassurance.

So they act out the wound instead.

They protest.

Withdraw.

Criticize.

Get defensive.

Anything except simply saying what they want.

I have strong faith, and I often think about two people becoming one flesh.

I think of it like this:

My wife and I are tethered together.

She’s my external hard drive.

If I need something emotionally, I simply ask her for it.

And if we entered marriage with the intention of helping each other get what we want emotionally, then we no longer need shame around asking.

If you’re stuck in the same arguments…

If resentment ruins your connection…

There’s usually a wound underneath you’re afraid to talk about.

One conversation is often enough to finally see it.

It may not be enough to heal it, but if you don’t have that first conversation, the healing never starts.

If you’d like my help, book a Clarity Call.

We’ll figure out what’s really happening beneath the surface and create a plan to help you feel chosen and cherished again.

In strength and solutions,
Image item
aka “Mr. Chosen & Cherished”

What if your marriage could feel different by Friday? Most couples are working on the wrong problem.

Posted on by Mariana-A

From:

Jonathan Van Viegen

My pied-a-terre in Panama City

Monday, June 1, 2026

Dear Friend,

If you’ve never heard me say this before, let me tell you that I, personally, struggle with anger. Always have. Ever since I was a teenager.

Why’s that important?

Because my entire marriage, I used anger to cover up a wound that carried into adulthood.

A wound that my wife would trigger.

And a wound that I unfairly blamed her for.

That wound was that I was leavable.

Only, she didn’t cause the wound, yet she found herself paying the fine for a crime she didn’t commit.

A lot of good men secretly feel leavable.

A lot of women, too.

Somewhere deep down, a lot of people carry a fear they rarely talk about:

“What if I’m not enough?”

“I’m not successful.”

“I’m not loveable.”

And so on.

The problem with our wounds that we all walk around with is that they rarely show up as vulnerability.

More often than not they show up as defensiveness.
Anger.
Withdrawal.
Control.
Shutting down.

The behavior most people show their spouse isn’t the wound.

My anger wasn’t my wound. My fear of abandonment was.

The wound is always the message underneath the behavior.

And that’s what most couples miss.

When I sit with couples in session, I’m far less interested in what they’re fighting about than the identity-level wound hiding underneath the fight.

Because your deepest wound shapes your loudest behavior.

The husband who gets defensive likely feels inadequate. And likely secretly to boot.

The wife who overthinks everything often feels unchosen.

I want you to lean into your wound. Learn to understand it.

Shine a light on it.

Stop hiding from it.

When you do that, you stop fighting each other…

Because you can start healing each other.

In strength and solutions,
Image item
aka “Mr. Chosen & Cherished”

 

The conversation that could change your marriage… You don’t have to become a perfect partner.

Posted on by Mariana-A

From:

Jonathan Van Viegen

Balcony of the Surf Lodge, Playa Venao, Panama

Tuesday, May 26, 2026

Dear Friend,

What would it mean to you if, in one week, you could take your relationship from a 4 to an 8?

If, for the first time in a really long time, your spouse genuinely felt: “I matter to them.”

I have a strong feeling it would mean a lot.

To them, yes.
But more importantly, to you.

Well, that’s what we’re going to be doing this week.

I’m going to show you how to get started.

And honestly?

It’s much simpler than people think.

Now the only thing I ask is this:

If this works… if you feel a shift happen in your relationship… tell me.

Because your success gives me what I need most: fuel.

Every week I write – a lot (even though the book is done):

Captions.
Newsletters.
Scripts for YouTube.

And while I genuinely love this work, the level of output required to keep doing it well needs a power source.

Your breakthroughs are that power source.

Your healing is my fuel.

That’s my ‘why’.

So with changing your relationship in mind, here’s where you begin:

Understand that what every human being craves most in relationships is emotional safety.

And emotional safety almost always manifests as a regulated nervous system.

You know the feeling I’m talking about:

You can breathe.
Relax.
Be soft.
Be fully yourself.

Yes, life still brings stress, and lots of it. Money, parenting, work, family – the list never ends.

But one of the greatest causes of emotional dysregulation inside relationships is this:

The feeling that your spouse does not understand the identity-level wounds you’ve been carrying since childhood.

For example:

“I’m leavable.”
“I’m not good enough.”
“I’m not successful.”
“I’m not worthy of being loved.”

Those are the messages many people unconsciously received growing up.

And now? Part of marriage becomes helping your spouse heal them.

That’s the mission.

Here’s where you start: Have a healing conversation.

Ask them this:

“What did you need to hear growing up that you rarely heard?”

Then ask:

“What do you think your deepest fear is in relationships?”

And finally:

“What do you wish I noticed about you more often?”

And when they answer, they might turn the lens on you.

But resist the urge to defend or explain yourself. And definitely don’t try to fix anything.

Just listen.

I teach couples that the goal in relationships is not perfection.

It’s persistence.

Because if the goal is emotional safety…

and you’re trying to push back against decades-old wounds and insecurities…

Then healing happens through consistency.

Meredith didn’t need me to become a perfect husband when she discovered my anger issues during the first year of our marriage.

She needed me to understand the wound she grew up with (not feeling good enough to be loved).

And as I did that, she did the same for me.

By consistently reminding me I was stayable…

I stopped needing anger to fight for reassurance.

I could finally ask for loyalty calmly instead of demanding it painfully.

I no longer felt ashamed for wanting to feel chosen by my wife.

And over time, something beautiful happened.

I softened.
She relaxed.

She felt safe.
And I felt confident.

That’s what emotional safety does.

Your spouse becomes softer when they truly believe your mission in life is to help them feel chosen, cherished, and safe.

Not perfectly.

Persistently.

I promise you that you don’t need a perfect plan. You don’t even need to know how to make them feel safe.

I know you’ll still mess up and fall back into old habits. You may even still get reactive sometimes like me.

But if both people return to the mission…
the relationship begins healing itself.

Because emotional safety changes everything.

So this week, if your wife secretly fears she’s not enough…
remind her she is.

If your husband secretly feels unsuccessful or unwanted…
remind him he’s respected, desired, and deeply chosen.

Become intentional about sending the opposite message of the wound.

That’s the work and the only plan you’ll need.

And honestly…

That’s what saves marriages.

In faith and strength,
Image item
aka “Mr. Chosen & Cherished”