Connection & Intimacy – Jonathan Van Viegen

Stop making your spouse guess… Ask for what you want instead of acting it out.

Posted on June 8, 2026June 23, 2026 by Mariana-A

From:

Jonathan Van Viegen

My city apartment, Panama City, Panama

Monday, June 8, 2026

Dear Friend,

How do you continue choosing your spouse during conflict?

Let me tell you: it’s not through better communication.

You couldn’t think of a steeper goal if you tried.

Conflict always activates something much deeper.

Four things, to be precise:

Fear.
Shame.
Guilt.
Embarrassment.

That’s why I ask couples two questions:

“Do you believe you’re capable of the relationship you desire?”

“And do you believe you deserve it?”

Most people say yes.

But deep down, many people carry identity wounds that tell them otherwise.

And those wounds create all kinds of problem behavior.

You need reassurance…

But instead of asking for it, you start a fight.

You want to know you’re loved…

But instead of saying that out loud, you test your spouse.

We need to own what we want.

Not hide from it.

I openly tell my wife that I need reassurance.

Some days I’ll literally ask her to lay beside me, stroke my hair, and remind me how much she loves me.

Why?

Because I like it.

Most people do the opposite.

They’re terrified to ask for reassurance.

So they act out the wound instead.

They protest.

Withdraw.

Criticize.

Get defensive.

Anything except simply saying what they want.

I have strong faith, and I often think about two people becoming one flesh.

I think of it like this:

My wife and I are tethered together.

She’s my external hard drive.

If I need something emotionally, I simply ask her for it.

And if we entered marriage with the intention of helping each other get what we want emotionally, then we no longer need shame around asking.

If you’re stuck in the same arguments…

If resentment ruins your connection…

There’s usually a wound underneath you’re afraid to talk about.

One conversation is often enough to finally see it.

It may not be enough to heal it, but if you don’t have that first conversation, the healing never starts.

If you’d like my help, book a Clarity Call.

We’ll figure out what’s really happening beneath the surface and create a plan to help you feel chosen and cherished again.

In strength and solutions,

aka “Mr. Chosen & Cherished”

How childhood wounds quietly hurt your relationship… Most relationship conflict starts here

Posted on May 18, 2026June 23, 2026 by meredith

From:

Jonathan Van Viegen

Balcony of the Surf Lodge, Playa Venao, Panama

Monday, May 18, 2026

Dear Friend,

I’ve built my Enlightened Marriage on 5 principles.

These are not moods or feelings.

They are:

Loyalty.
Honesty.
Transparency.
Commitment.
Fidelity.

Those are the truth obligations Meredith and I commit to… every single day.

I’d never tell anyone we’re perfect.

And our marriage is not always easy.

But it’s these principles that make sure Meredith sleeps well at night.

And when she gives them back to me, it’s what makes me sleep well too.

But early on, she didn’t give them back to me overtly.

I had to guess.

And that uncertainty made our relationship feel really frickin’ hard at times. Especially in the beginning.

You see, I struggled real hard believing that Meredith would be loyal and faithful.

Not because she wasn’t.

Because I didn’t know how to ask her to remind me that she wasn’t.

My childhood wound was that I was leaveable.

I grew up terrified of fully committing my heart to a woman. I was convinced they’d eventually leave me.

So I avoided real commitment.

I dated.
Played the field.
And always kept one foot out the door.

Until I met Meredith.

And for the first time in my life, loving someone so deeply felt absolutely terrifying.

Because she held my heart in her hands.

Drop it, and I’d be devastated.

So I tested her.

Doubted her.
Got angry with her.

And that’s what I see so many people do with their childhood wounds.

They do whatever they can to protect themselves from them instead of revealing them.

Anger is always going to be your outward sign of vulnerability.

You’ll wear it like armor, but underneath you’re hiding:

Fear.
Shame.
Guilt.
Or embarrassment.

I was too ashamed to simply ask my wife:

“Can you remind me that I’m stayable?”

So instead, I questioned her… constantly.

That’s how my childhood wound distorted the way I asked for love.

Eventually, one of two things happens to most couples:

The wound becomes too painful to ignore and the relationship collapses.

Or one of you decides:

“Let’s heal this.”

That’s the turning point. The crossroads you arrive at where you have a choice:

Do we turn the volume down on what hurt? Or do we let our past hurts destroy our future together?

Here’s your conversation starter for this week:

“Sweetheart, what did you grow up believing about yourself that prevents you from feeling completely safe and secure in our relationship?”

After they answer, say this:

“Will you let me send you the opposite message? All you have to do is ask.”

That question alone can change the future of your marriage.

And if your partner struggles to answer, it’s usually because they grew up believing they shouldn’t expect loyalty, honesty, transparency, commitment, or fidelity in the first place.

But they do deserve those things. Of course they do.

They just grew up believing the opposite.

And now?

Now it’s your job to help correct that message.

That’s conscious marriage.

In faith and strength,

aka “Mr. Chosen & Cherished”

The conversation that could change your marriage… You don’t have to become a perfect partner.

Posted on May 26, 2025June 23, 2026 by Mariana-A

From:

Jonathan Van Viegen

Balcony of the Surf Lodge, Playa Venao, Panama

Tuesday, May 26, 2026

Dear Friend,

What would it mean to you if, in one week, you could take your relationship from a 4 to an 8?

If, for the first time in a really long time, your spouse genuinely felt: “I matter to them.”

I have a strong feeling it would mean a lot.

To them, yes.
But more importantly, to you.

Well, that’s what we’re going to be doing this week.

I’m going to show you how to get started.

And honestly?

It’s much simpler than people think.

Now the only thing I ask is this:

If this works… if you feel a shift happen in your relationship… tell me.

Because your success gives me what I need most: fuel.

Every week I write – a lot (even though the book is done):

Captions.
Newsletters.
Scripts for YouTube.

And while I genuinely love this work, the level of output required to keep doing it well needs a power source.

Your breakthroughs are that power source.

Your healing is my fuel.

That’s my ‘why’.

So with changing your relationship in mind, here’s where you begin:

Understand that what every human being craves most in relationships is emotional safety.

And emotional safety almost always manifests as a regulated nervous system.

You know the feeling I’m talking about:

You can breathe.
Relax.
Be soft.
Be fully yourself.

Yes, life still brings stress, and lots of it. Money, parenting, work, family – the list never ends.

But one of the greatest causes of emotional dysregulation inside relationships is this:

The feeling that your spouse does not understand the identity-level wounds you’ve been carrying since childhood.

For example:

“I’m leavable.”
“I’m not good enough.”
“I’m not successful.”
“I’m not worthy of being loved.”

Those are the messages many people unconsciously received growing up.

And now? Part of marriage becomes helping your spouse heal them.

That’s the mission.

Here’s where you start: Have a healing conversation.

Ask them this:

“What did you need to hear growing up that you rarely heard?”

Then ask:

“What do you think your deepest fear is in relationships?”

And finally:

“What do you wish I noticed about you more often?”

And when they answer, they might turn the lens on you.

But resist the urge to defend or explain yourself. And definitely don’t try to fix anything.

Just listen.

I teach couples that the goal in relationships is not perfection.

It’s persistence.

Because if the goal is emotional safety…

and you’re trying to push back against decades-old wounds and insecurities…

Then healing happens through consistency.

Meredith didn’t need me to become a perfect husband when she discovered my anger issues during the first year of our marriage.

She needed me to understand the wound she grew up with (not feeling good enough to be loved).

And as I did that, she did the same for me.

By consistently reminding me I was stayable…

I stopped needing anger to fight for reassurance.

I could finally ask for loyalty calmly instead of demanding it painfully.

I no longer felt ashamed for wanting to feel chosen by my wife.

And over time, something beautiful happened.

I softened.
She relaxed.

She felt safe.
And I felt confident.

That’s what emotional safety does.

Your spouse becomes softer when they truly believe your mission in life is to help them feel chosen, cherished, and safe.

Not perfectly.

Persistently.

I promise you that you don’t need a perfect plan. You don’t even need to know how to make them feel safe.

I know you’ll still mess up and fall back into old habits. You may even still get reactive sometimes like me.

But if both people return to the mission…
the relationship begins healing itself.

Because emotional safety changes everything.

So this week, if your wife secretly fears she’s not enough…
remind her she is.

If your husband secretly feels unsuccessful or unwanted…
remind him he’s respected, desired, and deeply chosen.

Become intentional about sending the opposite message of the wound.

That’s the work and the only plan you’ll need.

And honestly…

That’s what saves marriages.

In faith and strength,

aka “Mr. Chosen & Cherished”