The Attention Manifesto (Men’s Edition)

Posted on October 6, 2026October 6, 2026 by Meredith

The Attention Manifesto (Men’s Edition)

How to get more of your wife’s attention by getting better at giving her yours.

Guys: we love our wives. And we want more time with them.

But we also know what it’s like to compete with our own kids. Her job. Her responsibilities.

My wife is perfect. There’s absolutely nothing I’d change about her.

I will say, though, it’s sometimes easier for me to get a New York lawyer on the phone than my own wife.

Why?

Because she’s busy. She’s got a million things to do, all the time.

Which tells me two things:

She’s either bad at delegating (more tasks to me).
Or she’s taken the role of motherhood to the max and wants to do right by our kids.

Either way, it can feel like I’m on the short end of the stick sometimes.

But that’s not a bad thing.

It’s an opportunity.

It’s my moment to learn, grow, and be there for her.

Now that I’ve held your attention this far, I want to establish the larger point of this manifesto:

Showing you how to get more of hers.

For starters, you deserve more of it. We all do.

But before we launch into a complaintfest about not getting it, understand something…

Reality check: I’m exhausted, too.

As you are. Your spouse probably is.

In fact, we all are.

So let’s just establish the fact that we’re all exhausted and no one has exclusive ownership rights of that state of being.

With that out of the way, let’s not get sidetracked into thinking only one of you is more overwhelmed than the other.

You do that, and you run the risk of creating your worst marriage nightmare.

You turn something beautiful—a partnership…

Into something destructive: a transactional relationship.

If I put it another way: keeping score is the lowest form of connection in any relationship.

I don’t do that.

My wife doesn’t do that.

And you shouldn’t do that either.

Do this instead: accept without a shred of doubt that when one of you needs help, you simply honor that… no questions asked.

My wife telling me she’s reached her upper limit is all I need to know that the only response she wants from me is one of unbridled support.

And the Kool-Aid I want you drinking here is simple: let go of the need to keep score.

Let me share with you one practical question to ask her:

“Okay, so if you truly felt like the support I was giving matched the support you were looking for, how would you know?”

I should warn you though, answering this question may take some time. And some thought.

And that’s okay because most folks aren’t asked it very often.

But to help you out, you’re looking for the state of mind she’d experience when your support matched her expectations.

What would that match look like to her?

What would it feel like?

My guess, it would feel something along the lines of…

1. Accountability

She’d find you doing the thing she wants you to do instead of being told to do it.

You have three choices when she asks for something.

Do it.

Don’t do it.

Or tell her you’ll do it.

From my experience, the last two options will lead to grief.

Grief because there’s something more than the thing not getting done that someone really wants to be gotten done:

There’s a decided lack of dependability that will vibrate through her body. And that feeling is going to go a long way in explaining why you don’t get much time with her.

Dependability doesn’t mean you become her doormat. It means that you see the amount of shit she has to carry and you exist to lighten that load.

Next, we have another big A on deck…

2. Anticipation

Anticipate more.

Not for her.

In fact, never for her.

For you.

Because it feels good to lead inside the home.

I can tell you when my daughter’s next ortho appointment is.

I also book my youngest’s next theatre class.

I also manage our family investments.

Knowing what’s going on in the lives of my wife and daughters is what connects me to them.

Being involved in your wife’s hopes, dreams, and life is what’s going to bring meaning to yours.

Where we as men benefit is in the time and space we create in her life to make more room for us in it.

When you see what occupies her attention and can anticipate how it’s going to impact her, you lower her guard and make space in her mind for the last big A…

3. Asking for her attention

Here’s where you get to be firm and ask for her attention.

Because you’ve shown accountability for how you contribute to her world, and you’ve anticipated how to deliver what she needs, you’ve earned the right to ask her to focus on your relationship.

Just as she deserves your time and attention, so does your relationship deserve hers.

Bear in mind, this may take some time for her to understand. Or buy into.

If that’s hard for her, remind her that the foundation has to be solid or everything built on top of it collapses on itself.

That’s it, gents.

Accountability. Anticipation. And Asking.

Three things that will help you earn your wife’s time back.

Before I let you go, I don’t want you thinking that with three A’s we’re all good.

We need to continue writing the script…

If you’re asking her to pay attention to you, you’ve got to be damn good at paying attention to her.

Making her feel seen

Ever felt ignored by a waiter at the exact moment you want to order a second glass of red wine to finish your steak?

The waiter isn’t ignoring you.

They’re distracted. Focused on other tables.

And that distraction costs them.

Cause you order less, the bill stays smaller, and so does their tip.

That’s exactly how she’s feeling.

Feeling invisible isn’t always about neglect.

It’s about her humanity not registering on your radar.

That doesn’t automatically mean your marriage is in crisis.

But it is feedback you don’t want to ignore.

And if you landed on this post, good. Cause this is fixable.

First, making her feel seen isn’t solved by:

more dates

more reassurance

or more talking about feelings.

Here’s what actually moves the needle.

Stop waiting, following, or hovering

All that tells her is that she has to lead.

She’s already tired of that.

So step up. Decide. And lead.

Nothing kills connection faster than a man asking, “So, what do you want to do?”

That hands her the clipboard.

Say this instead:

“I had an idea for x. You won’t hate me if I take charge, will you?”

As men, we’re told we have to lead. Lead in the home. Lead at work. Lead even ourselves when no one is looking.

I know that gets tiring… being told we’re not leading enough.

Let me disassemble that for the shitty advice it is.

If I tell you to lead more, you’re gonna be made to think you’re not leading enough.

And that simple binary observation is not going to get you off the couch.

That’s why I don’t endeavor to speak like the other ‘relationship experts’ out there.

I’d prefer you to feel good about yourself… because when you do, I know you’ll feel confident to change how you show up.

And how do I do that?

By telling you that it’s not more leadership you need.

It’s just a genuine expression of your attention.

And when you express it well enough, something powerful happens: she starts to feel seen.

And you know what creates that profound feeling?

Being on the receiving end of true curiosity.

Your curiosity.

Make her feel chosen, not competed with

This isn’t just about putting down your phone or closing the laptop.

It’s about curiosity.

When you ask about her day, her thoughts, her new haircut, you’re saying:

“You’re not filling a void. You’re a world I want to enter.”

So stop asking her how her day was.

That question died in 2009.

Ask her what’s been living rent-free in her head lately.

Or…

What she’s been pretending is okay in her life when it really isn’t.

Or…

What she wishes you’d noticed but didn’t think to ask.

Questions are how you tell her you’re paying attention.

And given that we live in the attention economy, “How was your day?” isn’t exactly clickbait.

To be honest though, it doesn’t really matter how you phrase your question…

as long as it sounds like you give a shit about how she’s gonna answer it.

What you’re establishing with curiosity is a new paradigm. One that leaves her without a shadow of a doubt that her inner world matters to you, and what she’s carrying on the outside does too.

Don’t let her over-function without resistance from you

My wife is run off her feet.

And I’m not interested in an exhausted partner.

When I take things off her plate, it’s not to be “helpful.”

It’s to be indispensable.

If she’s going to be tired anyway, it won’t be because I stood back watching.

It’ll be because we’re both in the thick of it, together.

This is where I want you to tell her that when she’s overwhelmed, you’re overwhelmed. Because what happens to her, happens to you.

What she goes through, so do you.

What she’s missing, you’re missing.

When she tells you you’ve missed something

My wife telling me she’s reached her upper limit is all I need to know that the only response she wants from me is one of unbridled support.

And here’s my script for giving it to her:

I take her by the hand first. This physical touch is essential for safety.
I smile to reassure her that she’s encouraged to share what she has to say.
Then, I own my part and say: “I’m sorry for being thoughtless/lazy/insensitive.”
I double down with responsibility taking: “Tell me, love, what did I miss that matters to you?”
And then I end with: “How can I make it up to you?”

You’re going to have a hard time losing when you follow that word-for-word.

It’s a hell of a lot easier for her nervous system to relax when you affirm that you missed something that matters to her.

One last thing for the guys (cause this is hard for many of us):

Your best friend here is ownership.

Then curiosity.

Then connection.

And with that, let me come back to this whole idea of attention.

We live in a world right now where everybody and everything is fighting for a piece of our attention.

If you asked me to write a list of what women want, I’d put having your attention at the very top of it.

If there’s one person who wants yours—and doesn’t want to have to fight for it—it’s your wife.

Final thought: Your superpower is attention

Now is not the time to ask her to soften or “get back into her feminine.”

That makes her the emotional driver again.

Making her feel visible is like making damn sure the Amazon package gets delivered to the right address.

And when she opens it, what’s inside is simple:

your presence

your attention

the felt sense that she’s chosen

and cherished.

Yeah. That last word matters.

Because this is what I want you to understand about attention:

It’s the single most powerful way you tell your wife she’s still chosen.

Every time you notice what she’s carrying.

Every time you anticipate instead of waiting to be asked.

Every time you get curious about what’s going on inside her.

Every time you put down whatever else has your attention and give it to her.

You’re reminding her that out of everything in this world competing for your attention, she still has yours.

Your superpower is time and attention.

Give it to her.

In faith and strength,

I wish I’d made these vows to Meredith on our wedding day.

Posted on October 5, 2026October 7, 2026 by Meredith

I want to invite you to start the week thinking about the two vows I believe are missing from most wedding ceremonies.

And let me tell you, when Meredith and I got married, we certainly didn’t make them.

We promised to love each other.

To be faithful.

To stay committed through sickness and health.

All important.

But after 18 years together and thousands of hours sitting across from couples, there are two more promises I think we need to add to that list:

I hold your emotional well-being ahead of my own.

And:

I promise to show up better in our marriage today than I did yesterday.

A lot of folks won’t believe me, but I believe those two simple shifts have the power to solve innumerable problems in your relationship.

And before you think I’m full of BS, let me explain why this works in the simplest way possible:

Most couples overcomplicate relationships.

They make it all about feelings, and processing, and safe spaces.

That’s what’s complicated.

What isn’t complicated is understanding that what you put into your marriage is what you take out.

Translation:

Effort makes excellence.

I’m saying you don’t need to connect over love languages, attachment styles, or energy work.

None of those things will compensate for a lack of effort.

I’m about 4,000 clients into my career and 17 years into my own marriage, and I can tell you this:

Effort is what makes marriage work.

So, how do you harness the momentum of effort?

Simple.

Start by reframing your mental state so that you’re open-minded and curious.

As in, you give a damn about who you’re married to.

Then, once you’re really interested in who your partner is and what they mean to you, say these two vows to them, lovingly and casually:

“Your emotional well-being matters to me – and I put it ahead of my own.”

“I promise to do better every day in our marriage.”

I’m not asking you to make grand gestures or sweeping sacrifices because I like hearing myself speak.

I’m saying that when you make a daily commitment to prioritize your partner’s feelings and continuously improve how you show up, you get handed the keys to the kingdom.

Because think about what happens when two people actually live this way.

Instead of asking, “What am I getting out of this marriage?” – you’re paying attention to what your spouse is getting from it too.

Instead of waiting for them to change, you’re asking yourself how you can show up better.

And if both people wake up every morning doing that?

That’s a Chosen & Cherished marriage.

Not because you suddenly stop having problems.

But because you’ve got two people committed to solving them.

And maybe that’s what marriage vows were supposed to be all along.

Not promises you make once, standing in front of everyone you love.

Promises you make again tomorrow morning when nobody’s watching.

In solutions and strength,

P.S. If you want my help putting this into practice, I’d love to have you join me for the 6-week live Chosen & Cherished Marriage Intensive, beginning November 4th — the day after Choosing Us comes out.

And I want to give you your spot for free.

When you preorder Choosing Us, I’ll send you an invitation to join us. Over six weeks, I’ll help you reignite your connection, rebuild trust, and learn how to communicate without spending all your time rehashing every painful event in your marriage.

This isn’t just theory. It’s the framework I use with my private clients and in my own marriage.

We get started in four weeks.

Preorder Choosing Us + Join the Intensive

You’re asking the wrong question. Stop asking for less of what hurts.

Posted on September 28, 2026October 7, 2026 by Meredith

Another couple came to me last week struggling with intimacy issues. I’m talking about the kind where there’s barely been any physical intimacy for months.

“I just can’t desire someone who’s undesirable,” the wife said.

There’s a good reason for that, I thought.

It’s because you’ve built a wall between the two of you.

While she was stacking her wall higher with bricks of resentment, he was helping her with his bricks of rejection.

What they didn’t understand was that the wall was manmade.

They built it. And since they built it together, they needed to understand that the only way they could tear it down is together.

But they won’t do that if they’re asking the wrong questions.

“Why doesn’t she try anymore?”

“Why should I desire someone when I don’t feel connected to them?”

These aren’t unreasonable questions. And in fact, they’re probably the exact questions most of us ask when we’re hurting.

But they’re the kind of questions that don’t give you a North Star and they definitely don’t tell you where to go next.

I told this couple that another therapist would probably spend the next four weeks asking them to tell us more about the resentment, blame, and rejection. And I’m not saying that’s a bad approach.

I just don’t know that it gets them where they want to go as quickly as they’d like to get there.

So I told them they had to do something different. Something that sounds completely unrelated to the question at hand.

For five minutes, I wanted them to imagine writing the words resentment, blame, pain, and disconnection on a piece of paper and putting it on the coffee table.

I wasn’t asking them to throw those feelings away. Or pretend they don’t exist. And I promised them, if they really wanted to, they could pick them right back up five minutes later.

But for those five minutes, I wanted them to stop asking how to get rid of what they didn’t want and ask:

“How can we cultivate more of what we do want?”

“How could we create more connection… physical and non-physical?”

You see, it’s a very different conversation when you trade: “I don’t want to resent you anymore” with “I want to feel close to you again.”

That second statement gives you somewhere to point your nose.

I have to add, I didn’t tell them to answer those questions. I didn’t even want them to ask them of each other.

I wanted them to just let the questions cook in their minds. Percolate long enough that they could be adopted as a mindset.

In the very same way I asked myself, “How do I build a business of teaching couples how to have a Chosen & Cherished Marriage?”

I didn’t have the answer to that question 12 years ago when I started my journey of becoming a couples therapist.

I adopted that as a mindset that resulted in me looking for the breadcrumbs that would lead me to where I am today.

That’s step one: adopt connection as a mindset.

Then I asked them an entirely different question:

“What did you guys do when you first fell in love?”

They thought about it.

They used to take walks on the beach. They went out for sushi. They bonded over musicals.

And I remember laughing and saying:

“So basically, you needed sand, raw fish, and trips to NYC.”

In the span of about a minute, we’d double-clicked on three things they could do to start getting more of what they want.

I asked them:

“When was the last time you went to the beach?”

“When was the last time you went out for sushi?”

“When was the last time you put Hamilton on while you were cooking dinner?”

Silence. Just as I’d suspected.

Now, don’t confuse what I’m doing here by simplifying my approach into telling you to do more.

That’s not what I’m attempting to do.

I’m trying to illustrate that couples know how to fall in love with each other.

They’d done it before.

They’d simply stopped doing many of the things that created closeness in the first place.

This is what so many people stop doing years into marriage. After things become “familiar.”

Then, when pain and conflict arrive on the scene, we become so focused on eliminating what hurts that we stop thinking about cultivating what we want.

We want less fighting. Less resentment. Less rejection. Less distance.

Okay.

But what do you want more of?

And what are you doing together to create more of what you want?

Do you want more affection? More sex? More laughing? More dates? More flirting?

Yes? Then you have to make the effort to create more of it.

This brings me to one of the reasons Meredith and I have instituted what I call the Intimacy Dashboard in our marriage.

It’s incredibly unsophisticated.

We want hugs every day. At least two – one in the morning and one before bed.

We want two kisses, too. One in the morning and one before bed.

Then, it’s date nights. At least once a month.

And finally sex. We follow the 72-hour rule, never going more than three days without it – unless the world is melting down because someone in our family is sick or something else throws our routine for a loop.

That’s it.

I’m not suggesting those numbers have to be your numbers.

The point is that we don’t leave intimacy in our marriage to chance. We prioritize it.

We monitor that dashboard like a hawk because we know that it gives us an exact snapshot of where our connection is just like a balance sheet will tell you how solvent a company is.

One thing I can say though: if the hugs, kisses, and sex start lacking, we don’t wait six months to find out why.

We course-correct.

We go back to doing the exact things that made us fall in love with each other in the first place.

In solutions and strength,

And I want to give you your spot for free.

This isn’t just theory. It’s the framework I use with my private clients and in my own marriage.

We get started in four weeks.

Preorder Choosing Us + Join the Intensive

When your spouse stops fighting with you… Don’t mistake silence for peace.

Posted on September 21, 2026October 7, 2026 by Meredith

I want to tell you about something that scares me more than infidelity.

Indifference.

I know that sounds strange coming from a couples therapist.

Infidelity can blow a marriage apart overnight.

But indifference typically doesn’t make a marriage crumble that quickly.

It happens slowly.

And then yes, suddenly.

What I’d be looking out for is when your spouse stops taking an interest in you and your life.

And this is where you want to get good at reading the room.

Do they smile when you walk through the front door?

Are you guys still watching shows together on the couch?

Is intimacy as passionate as it used to be?

Me? I’m looking at conflict with my wife as a good sign.

Because even if neither of us cheated or threatened to pack a suitcase, the fact that we’re still fighting tells me Meredith still cares enough to want to get her point across.

But if yelling was replaced with eye rolls or silence?

Then I’d seriously be wondering if my marriage was at DEFCON 1.

DEFCON 2 at least.

I’ve sat across from dozens of couples who tell me:

“We don’t really have any big problems.”

And they’re right.

They don’t.

And that right there is the problem.

It’s a problem because somewhere along the way, they’ve stopped investing enough in the relationship to even create one.

I spend a lot of time thinking about all the big things that could destroy a marriage.

Affairs. Lying. Wandering eyes. Emotional connections with someone other than your spouse.

But I think we should be paying more attention to what’s happening on a random Tuesday night.

Because if Meredith isn’t laughing when I tell her something funny happened…

Or she’s not as excited about my latest big idea as I am…

Then I’m going to know something’s off.

And if I detect any lack of curiosity on her part, you better believe I’m taking action.

Here’s how:

1. Read the room.

Don’t mistake silence for peace.

We spend more mental energy thinking about the dumb shit our boss says to us than what our spouse doesn’t say.

Pay attention.

2. If I pick up on any waning interest in my life, I’m going to overcompensate with interest in hers.

Enter questions…

3. Start with any question you don’t already know the answer to.

Not: “How was your day?”

You already know they’re probably going to say: “Fine.”

Try something more like:

“What’s been on your mind lately?”

“What do you have that you’re looking forward to right now?”

“Is there anything you wish we did more of together?”

4. Don’t expect your interest in them to fix their indifference overnight.

If your spouse has been checking out for a while, what they probably need from you is a pattern interrupt that continues over time.

Not one good conversation.

Not three great questions.

Consistency.

5. Don’t panic if what comes out isn’t what you wanted to hear.

Definitely don’t turn their answer into a conversation about you.

And don’t even think about defending yourself if what they say hurts.

There may be pain in there.

Let it come out.

Think of it like a pressure-release valve.

At first, there’s lots that needs to escape.

But eventually the outflow slows to a trickle, and now there’s room for something else to come back in.

Curiosity.

Connection.

And Interest.

Positive body language, eye contact, and a smile will lubricate the system even more.

But whatever you do, don’t become okay with the indifference.

I know you may be hurting too.

And you’re probably wondering why I’m asking you to go first.

The thing is, they’ll be going first with curiosity, too.

Just at a different time than you.

So for now…

Just be interested.

After 18 years with Meredith, I’m increasingly convinced that one of the greatest gifts I can give her is the belief that there is still so much more of her I want to know.

And, in my opinion, that’s one of the secrets to staying chosen and cherished:

Never becoming finished with each other.

In solutions and strength,

aka “Mr. Chosen & Cherished”

P.S. Men: Meredith and I have heard you. I’ve launched a new Men’s Circle. It’s free. It’s going to be monthly. And tomorrow is our inaugural meet up. I’d love to have you join us at 8pm EST Tuesday night.

If you want in, Join our Skool community and you’ll find the invite in the calendar.

P.P.S. If you missed Repairing Us, I’ve put the entire conflict course inside the Choosing Us Pre-Order Experience, along with an invitation to our live six-week Chosen & Cherished Marriage Intensive.

Preorder Choosing Us and get access to the course today.

The couples I worry about don’t fight. I’m worried when you stop.

Posted on September 14, 2026October 7, 2026 by Meredith

Ever have one of those days when everything that can go wrong does, but you say to yourself:

“Not today. I’m not letting anything bring me down.”

That was my yesterday.

But then I woke up today with the realization that I have to re-record an entire hour of video for the new Repairing Us course that was supposed to launch today.

It’s moments like this when you tell yourself:

“You have to redo all your work because the second version is going to be better!”

I feel like I’ve told myself that many times.

Especially back in the 90s and 2000s, before the cloud came along and we could type our essays into Google Docs.

Apparently DSLR cameras don‘t automatically record to the cloud.

Well, maybe they do. I just wouldn’t know because this 50-year-old isn’t quite savvy enough with tech to figure it out.

But there’s a point to me telling you this.

Because it relates to the course itself.

And more importantly, to you, your spouse, and the conflict that lives between you.

You see, fighting with your spouse is a good thing.

Yep. I said it.

Fighting is good because it means there’s still investment in your relationship.

It means getting what you want from your marriage still matters to you.

A lot.

Couples often think the cork in the bottle blocking a deeply loving and connected relationship is not knowing how to communicate better. Fight better. Or repair better.

But the “how” isn’t the cork.

The cork is no longer wanting to build a better relationship in the first place.

The cork is indifference.

Disinterest in your spouse concerns me far more than not knowing how to fight well.

Because if you’re fighting, you’re still showing up.

You’re still saying:

“This matters to me.”

“You matter to me.”

“What we have matters enough that I’m still trying to get something from it.”

If there’s genuine disinterest in your relationship, all is still not lost.

But I’ll be honest: my work as a couples therapist becomes infinitely harder when my job is helping someone find a reason to re-engage in their marriage.

So yes…

Fighting, in my book, is a good thing.

It tells me two people still care.

They simply have hopes, wants, and desires that need better understanding, better communication, and better actualizing.

And that we can work with.

Enter Repairing Us.

Meredith and I have worked hard to give you the tools and strategies we use to turn conflict from chaos into connection.

Because yes, we still fight.

And yes, we still know how to have a long, dragged-out one.

But the difference today is that even our bad fights rarely last longer than 45 minutes.

We’ve learned how to find our way back to each other.

And now, I’m going to show you how, with my new course.

Repairing Us will walk you through the exact sequence for moving through conflict, reconnecting, and repairing without losing each other in the process.

It was supposed to be in your hands today.

Instead, I’m going to go re-record an hour of video.

But I want you to remember this:

The fact that you fight isn’t necessarily evidence that your marriage is broken.

Sometimes it’s evidence that you both still give a damn.

You just need to learn what to do with it.

That’s what Meredith and I built Repairing Us to teach you.

In solutions and strength,

aka “Mr. Chosen & Cherished”

The Forgiven Spouse Manifesto: Part 3

Posted on September 8, 2026October 7, 2026 by Meredith

The Forgiven Spouse Manifesto: Part 3

This final part of the Forgiven Spouse Manifesto is about moving through conflict without losing each other in the process.

And I want to start with something I know will be controversial:

If you find yourself losing respect or admiration for your spouse mid-conflict,

Or if you find yourself not really liking your partner as a person anymore,

That’s more of a red flag about you than it is about them.

Allow me to elaborate.

When I hear that someone no longer respects, admires, or even likes their spouse, it tells me something:

You may have developed a pain-saturated view of your relationship.

You’re no longer just seeing what your spouse did.

You’re seeing them through what they did.

And those are two very different things.

One of the most important things we can learn in marriage is how to separate what someone has done from who they are.

That gets infinitely harder when we lose our likability for them.

Which is why, when a relationship becomes overwhelmed by pain, one of the first places I want to go is back to likability.

Back to being able to say, even mid-fight:

“I really don’t like what you did to me right now. But I still like you.”

Or even:

“I don’t like what you did. But I still choose to like you.”

Pain is inevitable in marriage. But marriage requires us to learn how to move through it.

I want you to imagine yourself as a rock in a river. The water hits you…

But instead of violently splashing off you, you allow it to flow around you.

Too many of us do the opposite in marriage.

We experience every disappointment, insensitive comment, or forgotten promise like it’s soaking us from head to toe.

Until eventually we become so full of pain that there’s nothing about us that pain doesn’t touch.

I want to help you stay dry. I want you to learn to recruit your spouse into a get-rid-of-pain campaign.

That starts with telling them:

“I’m upset.”

“I’m unhappy with what happened.”

“I’m hurting.”

But instead of immediately making them the target of your pain, ask them to help you eliminate it.

Let them help you to not get soaking wet with it.

A marriage can be good and still have problems

Everything I’m saying assumes something important.

There are certain covenants that have to exist inside a marriage:

Loyalty. Honesty. Fidelity. Transparency. Commitment.

When those things are actively being violated, or when there is ongoing deception, infidelity, or dishonesty, we have something different to repair.

But I meet so many couples who tell me:

“Our marriage is terrible.”

And then I look closer and discover….

Nobody is lying or cheating. They’re loyal and committed. They’re transparent and have built a life together.

They just fight.

And when I discover they don’t like each other very much right now, or intimacy has disappeared, I find myself wanting to say:

“Zoom out.”

You may not have a bad marriage. You actually have a beautiful marriage… just with problems.

There’s a difference.

The pain-saturated couple sees the problems and concludes the marriage is bad.

The joy-saturated couple can see the problems and everything else that’s beautiful.

Every marriage has its soft spot.

The question is whether we allow that vulnerability to exist without protecting it.

Let me ask you:

When did we give up the job of protecting each other?

When did the person who was supposed to defend us become the threat inside our home?

The faster we can cultivate joy, admiration, respect, and likability again, the easier it becomes to let pain move through us rather than accumulate inside us.

Betrayal creates two journeys

When there has been a gross breach of the covenant of marriage, something unexpected happens.

Both spouses are suddenly thrust onto a journey.

But they’re not on the same one.

The person who broke the trust has to go on a journey of maturity. They have to wake up to the reality:

“I hurt someone I love through my actions.”

And then they have to decide what kind of person they’re going to become.

It’s not enough to say:

“I won’t do it again.”

You have to go deeper:

“I don’t want to be someone who hurts my spouse like this anymore.”

I absolutely believe people can change.

I believe someone can lose their moral compass, do something devastating, wake up to what they’ve done, mature, and spend the rest of their life being loyal and devoted to the person they once hurt.

But the betrayed spouse wakes up on a different journey. And they didn’t choose it.

Last night, they went to bed thinking they knew their spouse, and their marriage.

Today they discovered their spouse betrayed them.

Now they’re on a journey of forgiveness.

And in many ways, I think that’s the harder journey. One person chose the actions that put them there. The other person had the journey thrust upon them.

But both journeys require maturity. And the thread that connects those journeys is forgiveness.

I don’t believe you can have a truly Chosen & Cherished marriage while permanently withholding forgiveness from your spouse.

Relationships thrive on oxygen and forgiveness is what delivers it.

Stop turning behavior into identity

This matters even in ordinary conflict.

When people swear, call names, or say deliberately hurtful things during fights, they’re often trying to soothe pain with more pain.

They’re looking for what might feel good for five seconds.

But now there’s another wound… and another.

Maybe you have two wonderful weeks and then one terrible fight. You can tell yourself:

“We’re a couple that has terrible fights every two weeks.”

Or:

“We’re a couple that has amazing weeks that occasionally get interrupted by a fight.”

Those aren’t the same identity. And I think identity matters.

I struggle with anger, so I can acknowledge:

“I struggle to keep my anger from hurting my wife when we’re fighting. That’s my cross to bear.”

Because I bring that struggle into the light, now I can work on it.

Anger doesn’t have to own me. Indeed, I can struggle with something without turning it into who I am.

We need to extend that same grace to our spouse.

Because one of the most important things you can do during conflict is keep the conflict about behavior instead of identity.

“I’m angry about what you said.”

“I’m hurt by what you did.”

“I’m disappointed by what happened.”

“I’m not going to turn those things into who I think you are.”

Name-calling does the opposite. It attacks identity.

So try this instead:

“When I saw you do that…”

“When you said that…”

“This is how that landed for me…”

Talk about how you experienced their behavior without turning their behavior into their identity.

Most of the everyday hurts we inflict on each other can probably be boiled down to three things:

We were thoughtless.

We were lazy.

Or we were insensitive.

“If I’d thought better, maybe I wouldn’t have done it.”

“If I’d put in more effort, maybe I would have done it.”

“If I’d been more sensitive, maybe I would have recognized how much I hurt you.”

To never be thoughtless, lazy, or insensitive would require something none of us can offer:

Perfection.

Your spouse is going to fail you. And you’re going to fail them. The question is what happens next.

Get out of the courtroom

When pain overwhelms likability, couples enter what I call courtroom culture.

Suddenly, we’re no longer two people trying to repair something. We become litigators. I have my evidence. You have yours.

I defend my truth and you defend yours. And both of us fight tooth and nail to win our case:

Who was right?

Who was wrong?

Who hurt whom more?

Who owes whom what?

But here’s the problem: there’s no restitution that can perfectly match emotional pain.

How exactly do you repay someone for saying something that broke their heart?

How do you compensate them for days, weeks, or months of feeling unwanted?

How do you make the scales balance?

You can’t.

Which is why I believe the off-ramp from courtroom culture is forgiveness. Without forgiveness, we keep seeking a favorable verdict that remains elusive.

And eventually we turtle. We go into our shells.

Turtling looks like a husband who emotionally shuts down. It looks like a wife who gives the silent treatment for three days.

But the deeper turtling is the kind when we start hiding our heart.

We allow scar tissue to build. And while that scar tissue is accumulates, something else slowly drains away:

Our likability for our spouse.

Repair cleanly

Which brings us to repair.

When something hurts in your marriage, don’t spend three hours arguing about who’s at fault.

Ask:

“How do we fix this together?”

“What can we do differently next time?”

“What can we learn from this?”

“How can I make it up to you?”

Those questions matter because they’re rooted in curiosity. And curiosity tells your spouse: your perspective matters to me.

If forgiveness were abundant in our marriage, how much would we actually need to dissect the pain?

If we’re determined to make our spouse understand exactly how badly we’re hurting, then we grab the only person who isn’t drowning and pull them underwater with us.

But that’s the opposite of what we need.

If you’re drowning, you don’t need your spouse to drown too.

You need them to help you back onto shore.

Reconnect before you repair

When you’re in the middle of a fight, stop. Catch your breath. Let your body come down. And then come back to each other.

We need to reconnect before we repair.

Because repair is possible when two people genuinely don’t feel safe with each other.

Sometimes reconnecting is as simple as relaxing your shoulders. Or sitting beside each other instead of across from each other.

Take their hand. Touch their elbow.

And say:

“We’re going to fix this. But can we hug first?”

Your goal is to communicate:

“You’re safe.”

“I’m not going to attack you.”

“I’m ready to repair.”

Then move toward curiosity:

“How can we fix this?”

“What could I do differently?”

“What could I say differently?”

“How can I make it up to you?”

The moment you become genuinely curious, you’ve stopped trying to win.

And that’s the point.

They need to know that even while you’re hurt, angry, disappointed, or confused, you’re still trying to find your way back to them.

Pain doesn’t have to disappear for you to choose each other. Conflict doesn’t even have to disappear.

If we can stop turning pain into identity, and dragging each other into the courtroom, we can stop trying to win.

And we can focus on repair.

Which brings me to the one sentence that matters more than anything you can ever say to your spouse:

“I’m sorry for how I hurt you—intentionally or unintentionally.”

That sentence makes room for forgiveness.

That sentence protects your spouse.

And that message communicates…

That after everything we’ve been through…

I still choose you.

In solutions and strength,

P.S. If this manifesto helped you see conflict and repair differently, my new book, Choosing Us, will take you even deeper.

It’s available for preorder now ahead of its November 3 release.

Preorder your copy and claim your FREE spot in my six-week Chosen & Cherished Marriage Intensive (a $1,500 value) and start building a marriage where both of you feel chosen and cherished again.

Preorder Choosing Us and claim your bonuses here.

My father broke me. But he also gave me a blueprint.

Posted on August 31, 2026October 7, 2026 by Meredith

I am a broken man.

And I have been a broken man ever since I became a man.

My father broke me.

My mother stood by and watched.

But none of my childhood experiences would I change.

Not the kidnapping.

Not the starving when I was 8.

Not even the physical or emotional abuse.

If you ask people who’ve lost the ability to use their limbs in an accident, many will tell you that years after their tragedy, they wouldn’t change who they are or wish they could go back to who they were before.

I think that’s because two things can happen when you’ve lived through trauma or tragedy.

The first is that the depths of pain can allow you to feel equal depths of joy.

But the second is most important: your pain gives you a blueprint for how to create joy.

And I find that blueprint is surprisingly simple.

You basically do the opposite of what was done to you.

Most of us know exactly what hurt us growing up. We know what it felt like to be ignored or criticized.

Abandoned (like me). Controlled, screamed at, or emotionally manipulated. Lots of us were made to feel like we weren’t good enough.

You get the picture.

So in a lot of ways, we already know what not to do.

Doing the opposite is harder. Doing the opposite takes courage and decision.

It takes the courage to try to replace pain with joy. And the decision to try without knowing whether you’ll succeed.

I think that fear of failure is what stops so many of us.

So instead of creating something different, we recreate what hurt us.

I decided a long time ago that if I had to live through what I did as a little boy, I was going to make it mean something.

I was going to use it to build a marriage so joy-filled, so connected, so loving, and so chosen and cherished that it looked nothing like what I grew up watching.

And how did I build it?

With the courage and decision to keep following my own personal blueprint:

Do the opposite of what was done to me.

And today, I’m calling you to do something similar. I’m calling you to take an honest look at where your marriage is right now.

That’s not so you can beat yourself up. Or give you reason to blame your spouse.

But so you can decide whether pain from the past is running the show and threatening to destroy what could become one of the most joy-filled relationships you’ll ever experience.

That takes courage.

Thankfully, I’ve got a place for you to start.

It’s called the Marital Inventory.

Either alone or together, you’ll take a long, hard — but incredibly helpful — look at your marriage and figure out where you are, what’s working, what needs to change, and where to go next.

You can find out more here: The Marital Inventory Course

Your past gave you the blueprint.

Now you get to decide what you build with it.

In solutions and strength,

aka “Mr Chosen & Cherished”

The Forgiven Spouse Manifesto – Part 2

Posted on August 22, 2026October 7, 2026 by Meredith

If you haven’t read Part 1 of this Manifesto, I challenged you to ask your spouse one question:

“How can I show you that I choose you today?”

Some of the responses people shared with me were beautiful.

“I asked my husband. He thought for several seconds and said, ‘I don’t know how to answer that.’ Then he got up, came over, and kissed me.”

That’s a meaningful win.

But one woman had a very different experience. She said:

“I asked him over our morning coffee while holding his hand. I got a blank, stunned look.

“He said, ‘I don’t know how I’m supposed to answer that,’ as though I was supposed to figure it out for him.

“That was all there was to it. It was void of any sense of connection or emotion. No further discussion was had.

“Then he promptly left to handle some things for his parents for the remainder of the day. He hasn’t been home yet and does not plan to join me during the call this evening.

“I feel so lost, disconnected, and discouraged.”

And it’s her response I want to begin with today.

Because what happens when you go first and your spouse doesn’t respond the way you hoped?

What happens when you reach for them and they don’t reach back?

What happens when the question that was supposed to help them feel chosen only seems to push them further away?

This Is a New Language

Early in my career, after earning my graduate degree in marriage and family therapy, I decided I wanted to build an online practice.

Around that time, I listened to the infamous internet marketer Tai Lopez. One thing he said has always stuck with me:

“First they ignore you. Then they laugh at you. Then they fight you. And then they join you.”

Why am I quoting an internet marketer in a manifesto about forgiveness?

Because this is a new language.

And it’s likely a language that hasn’t been spoken inside your home for quite some time… whether that’s five years, 10 years, or 15 years.

Everything I teach is language-based and language-driven. And learning a new language takes practice.

In Part 1, I talked about pain and resentment becoming the cork in the bottle.

So what happens when you try to pull that cork out?

Think of an infant trying to pull a cork from a bottle. They’re not going to do a very good job. They don’t have the grip strength yet.

Their muscles haven’t developed.

But an adult can pop the cork out.

It’s the same with the language we’re using.

If your spouse hasn’t heard you ask how you can make them feel chosen in a decade, they may not know what to do with the question.

They may ignore you.

They may laugh at you.

They may fight you.

And all of that will test one thing: Your perseverance.

It will test your belief in yourself, in them, and in your marriage. And it will test your courage.

Do you try this new way of speaking to your spouse, fail to receive the reaction you wanted, and then stop trying?

Because I think that’s what 90% of people do.

They try once. Their spouse looks confused, rejects them, or fails to offer the response they imagined.

And they decide:

“This doesn’t work.”

But you cannot run at the first sign of friction or resistance.

When that woman told me she felt completely discouraged, her husband’s response didn’t necessarily prove that he didn’t care.

It may have revealed how much pain and resentment he was carrying.

The more emphatically your partner pushes back, the harder they may be fighting to hold on to their version of the relationship.

They may be carrying so much pain, anger, resentment, and frustration that showing any sign of openness (any chink in the armour) feels threatening.

Opening themselves to you again means sticking their neck out again.

So they fight back. They hold on to the belief: “You are the source of my pain.”

Their view of the relationship has become saturated with pain. In their mind, all that pain exists because of you.

That doesn’t mean every part of their story is accurate.

When it comes to your partner’s pain, you may be handed all of it… including pain you didn’t cause.

Sometimes you’re even paying the fine for crimes other people committed.

Your spouse may need to hold on to the belief that you are the problem because it protects the way they currently understand their life:

“All the pain in this relationship is here because of you.”

And from inside that worldview, they may be unable to go first.

At least for now.

You Can Make the Vow. They May Not Be Ready.

In Part 1, I introduced two vows:

“I will hold your emotional well-being ahead of my own.”

And:

“I will show up better today than I did yesterday.”

You may be ready to make those vows.

Your spouse may not be… not yet.

Whether it’s the fear that admitting fault makes you a bad person or the belief that your spouse needs to change first, pain makes self-reflection difficult.

Both partners can use pain to hold onto the belief that they’re the one who is right. That’s why so many people refuse to go first.

And when they finally try but don’t get the reaction they wanted, they think:

“This won’t work.”

Or:

“This isn’t going anywhere.”

I cannot tell you this strongly enough:

You can’t tuck your tail between your legs and run in the opposite direction simply because you didn’t receive the response you wanted.

You have to be persistent.

I’m not telling you to pursue someone forever while they mistreat you.

I can’t tell you how long you should try. That’s a personal question only you can answer.

But I can tell you that one awkward response to a language your spouse hasn’t heard in years is not enough evidence to declare the relationship beyond repair.

You need to try again.

You need to try differently.

And you need to learn how to recognize movement when it happens.

Become an Expert at Reading the Room

This is probably one of my superpowers: I’ve become an expert at reading the room.

And you need to become one, too.

Imagine the trench warfare of World War I. If you gain one foot of territory, you dive into that trench, fortify it, defend it, and refuse to give it back.

You gained valuable ground.

Repair can work the same way. If you notice your spouse softening — even slightly — pay attention. If you see movement in them, memorize it.

Become an expert at reading the room and evaluating your progress along the path toward a better relationship.

Your job is to recognize and store your successes.

I call it timestamping.

When you do something that works, timestamp it in your mind:

“Okay, that’s what I want to replicate. That’s what I want to do again.”

Maybe your spouse didn’t answer your question, but they stayed at the table five minutes longer than they normally would. Timestamp it.

Maybe they rolled their eyes but later came back and sat beside you. Timestamp it.

Maybe they said, “I don’t know,” but then kissed you three times. Timestamp it.

Don’t dismiss any amount of small movement because it wasn’t the complete repair you wanted. That one foot of ground matters.

Timestamping it in your mind is how you cement progress.

People are more likely to show up better when they feel better about who they are. They become more willing to sweep their own side of the street.

Do you think it was an accident that I asked you to tell your spouse you choose them?

I wanted you to send them a positive message about who they are.

At first, they may not believe you. That’s what the woman at the beginning of this manifesto experienced.

Your message may have to pierce years of armor. But eventually, they may begin believing you.

And when they begin believing you, they may start looking at you differently.

They may begin trusting you again. They may see hope returning to the relationship.

That’s what we want: Forward progress.

You don’t need to memorize every sentence or find the perfect script.

What comes out of your mouth mid-argument or over morning coffee at 9:00 a.m. doesn’t need to be written by ChatGPT.

Read the room.

Timestamp what worked.

Do more of it.

Then find a way to do it even better.

Curiosity Is How We Cherish

Part 1 was about choosing your partner.

This Part 2 is about cherishing them.

And if you remember only one idea from this part of the manifesto, remember this:

Curiosity is one of the clearest ways to cherish your spouse.

Relationships don’t only fall apart because people stop loving each other. They fall apart because they stop being curious about one another.

A lack of curiosity is often one of the first signs that something is going wrong. When couples find themselves in a difficult place, they begin pulling away.

The questions disappear:

“How was your day?”

“How are you doing?”

“What are you up to?”

You stop asking because you think you already know the answers. Or you stop caring about the answers because pain has convinced you that nothing good is left to discover.

But curiosity communicates something powerful:

“Your inner world still matters to me.”

It tells your spouse:

“I don’t only want to manage your behavior. I want to know you.”

So I want you to read the room again:

How curious are you about your spouse?

And how curious are they about you?

Ask Better Questions

Curiosity doesn’t require perfect language. It requires questions that invite your spouse to tell you more about their world.

You could ask:

“What would have been helpful for me to ask you about?”

Or:

“How can I make you feel cherished tonight?”

The questions aren’t the point.

The message underneath them is:

“Your inner world matters to me.”

And:

“I still want to know you.”

You can also pair those questions with identity-level messages that show you notice and honor who your spouse is:

“I admire your loyalty.”

“I trust your heart.”

“I love how your mind works.”

“You’re steady.”

“I like who you are.”

“Your sense of humor is amazing.”

This is the gold. You aren’t only rewarding behavior. You’re reminding your spouse that pain hasn’t erased every good thing you see in them.

Your Challenge Before Part 3

During the next 24 hours, I want you to do two things.

First, ask your spouse one question that demonstrates genuine curiosity.

If you aren’t sure what to ask, begin here:

“What’s one thing you wish I were more curious about?”

Then listen.

Don’t defend yourself.

Don’t explain why you haven’t asked before.

Don’t turn their answer into another argument.

Listen for the thing that matters to them.

Second, send them one honest identity-level message. Name one thing you still like, admire, respect, or value about who they are.

And if they don’t respond the way you hoped, don’t immediately decide that your effort failed.

Read the room.

Look for the smallest sign of movement.

Timestamp it.

Then ask yourself:

“How can I do more of what worked?”

Remember the woman at the beginning of this manifesto. She reached for her husband and received a blank stare. Maybe you’ll receive the same thing.

But a blank stare isn’t always the end of the conversation.

Sometimes it’s the first response of someone who hasn’t felt safe enough to hope in a very long time.

You’re speaking a new language.

Give both of you time to learn it.

In solutions and strength,

aka “Mr Chosen & Cherished”

Are you and your spouse in the same marriage?

Posted on August 17, 2026October 7, 2026 by Meredith

Happy Monday, everyone.

I want you to answer a question:

If I asked you and your spouse today to privately score your marriage on a scale from 1–10, how confident are you that you’d write down the same number?

Don’t answer that too quickly.

I’ve worked with enough couples to know one thing to be true:

Two people can choose to wake up every day in the same bed, be committed to one another, and still be living in two different marriages.

I’m sure you can imagine the scenario…

One spouse thinks:

“Things are fine. We’re fine.”

While the other is quietly thinking:

“I don’t know how much longer I can do this.”

Then you’ve got the broken connection hypothesis: One thinks the problem is the intimate connection and the other the emotional.

And that’s what makes communication so hard to fix. It becomes infinitely harder to repair something when the two of you can’t agree on what’s broken.

And yet, most couples come into my office claiming that if communication was better, their marriage would be better.

But that doesn’t work because they want the medicine, but haven’t agreed on what they’re treating.

So here’s something I want you to do tonight with your spouse.

Ask each other:

“On a scale of 1–10, how chosen do you feel in this marriage right now?”

Then, write your number down, but don’t say it out loud until both of you have a number.

Then show each other.

Whatever number you guys write down, you first need to know that no number is a bad number.

It’s just like taking your pulse. It can – and will – fluctuate.

So resist the urge to feel hurt.

Don’t attack your spouse because you don’t agree with their number.

You want to get curious first. Which leads me to the next question you guys are going to ask:

“What’s a small thing we could do that would move our numbers up? Even if that’s just from a 4 to a 5, or 6 to a 7?”

I’m not asking you to start fixing everything this instant.

What I want you to do is understand: what are the small moments that make your spouse feel chosen and cherished?

And more importantly: what are the things that make them feel happy to be married to you?

When couples start being able to have these conversations, they open up the possibility for movement and repair – or at least clarity around what’s next. And that’s why I created my Marital Inventory.

Before I can help a couple figure out where they’re going, I have to understand where they’re at – and what moves the needle in the right direction.

The Inventory walks you through the different areas of your marriage so you can see what’s working, what’s not, and most importantly, how your marriage feels different to both of you.

Again, the biggest problem in a marriage isn’t the score…

It’s the distance between your scores.

Right now, the Marital Inventory course (normally $250) is included as part of the Choosing Us Pre-Order Experience.

But, on September 1st, the Marital Inventory disappears from the Pre-Order Experience.

After that, anyone preordering the book won’t get access to it.

Meredith and I created the Pre-Order Experience this way intentionally.

We don’t want you to order the book today and have to wait until November 3rd to start working on your marriage.

In my experience, couples in pain want change now – and that’s what I want to help them do.

So if you enjoy my work, and are looking for the best way to support me, nothing would mean more to me than seeing your preorder of Choosing Us come in.

But if you’re going to preorder, do it before September 1st.

Because I want you to have immediate access to the Marital Inventory so the two of you can figure out where your marriage actually stands, where it’s going… And how to get there.

Use this link to preorder your copy of Choosing Us.

In solutions and strength,

aka “Mr Chosen & Cherished”

P.S. I’ve also started something new, and fun: a Substack.

My publisher asked me why I hadn’t started earlier. And truthfully, I’d never even heard of Substack.

But I have to say, since creating Inside My Therapy Room on Substack, I’m having a lot of fun sharing longer essays, personal stories, and ideas I can’t fit into an Instagram caption.

If this Chosen & Cherished Letter is your thing, I think you’ll love my content over there.

Here’s the link to find me.

The Forgiven Spouse Manifesto – Part 1

Posted on August 12, 2026October 7, 2026 by Meredith

Before you read any further, you have to promise me to do one thing first: you’ll open your mind.

That’s job number one.

I’ve got two more parts of this manifesto and what’s more important than anything I’ve written is the action you’re going to take between reading each part.

But you won’t take action if your mind isn’t open.

Back in January, I attended a challenge to grow my Instagram. I loved it because it got me to take action for five days. But the minute the challenge was over, I stopped taking action.

Now, that’s the kind of risk any challenge or manifesto comes with.

You release little bursts of energy to make your relationship successful.

And then you stall.

That’s not what we do here.

We’re not looking to complete the next quarter mile.

We want to go the distance. We want to run the full marathon.

Hopefully, what you’re about to read will convince you enough that when you take the kind of action I’m asking you to take, you’ll start to build a marriage that makes you feel chosen and cherished.

Now, let’s dive in.

A follower left me a comment:

“Jonathan, you put yourself out there as if your marriage is perfect. Don’t you ever feel anger or sadness inside your marriage?”

That comment prompted me to write this manifesto…

Because it reveals a really big problem couples face today:

The language you use inside your relationship informs how you view your relationship. And how you view your relationship informs how well your relationship works.

That revelation is really my entire life’s work.

So when I replied to that person and said, “I don’t have anger or sadness toward my wife inside our relationship,” I wasn’t speaking a word of a lie.

Can I feel frustrated with Meredith? Absolutely.

Can I be irritated? Of course.

Two minutes before I started writing this manifesto, Meredith was trying to explain to me how to fix something in Canva, and I felt like she was only confusing me more.

But irritation and frustration are not the same as carrying anger or sadness toward my wife.

Meredith and I regularly experience moments of irritation.

Let me fill you in on a little context to explain what I mean…

Right now, we’re visiting family in Canada, after 5 long years.

Needless to say, our family system is a little disrupted right now.

There are lots of emotions and expectations hanging in the air, and consequently, our interactions are filled with a little more friction.

But do Meredith and I allow that friction to become anger and sadness towards one another?

We don’t.

Because we don’t use those words in reference to our relationship or each other.

We’ve made a conscious decision to separate the negative emotions we feel from the person we’re married to.

This is one of the most important distinctions I’m going to make in this manifesto:

You do not need to use anger or sadness in reference to your spouse, as in,

“They’re selfish.”

“They’re a disappointment.”

“They’re impossible to trust.”

This manifesto — and all of my work — is built around sending your spouse the opposite message – and one that’s positive:

“They’re chooseable.”

“They’re cherishable.”

Those are the only two identity-level messages worth sending.

And coincidentally the messages we all crave to hear most from the person we love.

So what happens when we don’t hear that we’re chosen and cherished?

Well, we have to fill that silence with something… and in my experience, people fill it with pain, sadness, and resentment.

But there’s an antidote to that emotional decay…

And that antidote is consciously cultivating positive emotions towards your spouse.

You see, you get to decide which emotions you attach to your spouse’s identity.

Be that the positive ones, or the negative ones.

Meredith and I have long decided that anger and sadness are not emotions we will hold toward each other as people.

And it’s been that decision to which I credit our strong connection.

Interestingly, if you’re a parent, you already understand this distinction.

When your child behaves poorly, you’re careful not to tell them they are bad.

You do whatever it takes to separate who they are from what they did.

But when our spouse hurts us, we often lose that same vigilance.

Over time, we start to let their behavior become their identity — and eventually, it becomes the only thing we can see.

That’s where I want to take you in this manifesto.

I want you to show up in your relationship with grace – in the same way you do for your children.

Of course, I can help you begin to see your spouse differently. I can help you create the conditions in which love, desire, affection, and trust can grow again.

But I need to convince you of something first.

Most of us already know how to lose weight and get in better shape. It’s not that we don’t know how to improve our health. The problem is that we often lack the desire to do it.

And that’s the one thing I cannot give you.

I can show you how to eliminate the anger and sadness you hold toward your spouse.

But I can’t make you want to.

Which brings me to the first challenge I have for you:

Can you decide, right here and now, that you’re both capable and deserving of a better marriage?

Are you willing to say, “I want a chosen and cherished marriage, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to have it.”

If you hesitate to make that statement for yourself, then I know why.

It’s because something is getting in the way. And that something is pain.

Pain caused by all the hurts, unmet expectations, and missed opportunities to remind each other that you choose them.

And that makes sense.

Most couples become so consumed with what went wrong that they stop asking what they want to go right.

After 10,000 hours of working with couples, one thing has become clear:

Forgiveness will feel unattainable if your relationship keeps revolving around the hurt.

At some point, you have to decide that a better future is worth the effort to create it.

Now I know, this becomes infinitely harder when your spouse has betrayed you.

Whether physically, emotionally, or financially.

So how do you separate who someone is from what they did when what they did radically changed how you see them?

How do you forgive someone without excusing their behavior?

And how do they earn redemption without expecting you to stop hurting?

Those are some of the biggest questions I answer in my upcoming book, Choosing Us. And I’m not going to give all the answers away here.

But I will tell you this:

Forgiveness does not begin by pretending the betrayal didn’t happen.

It begins by deciding that your spouse is still more than the painful things they’ve done.

Whether that decision ultimately saves the marriage is another question entirely…

One thing is true:

The more you pour into someone — the more you love, respect, and admire them — the more you earn the right to call them to a higher standard.

I like that thought because it reminds me that when you treat your spouse with kindness and grace, you can call them to treat you better.

For me, the key that opens the lock is sending your spouse one beautiful, identity-level message:

“There are still parts of you I like, even though I deeply dislike what you’ve done.”

What you’re saying is that what they did changed how you see them, but it doesn’t have to become the only thing you see.

That simple phrase gives us a new starting point from which we can begin painting a different picture of your marriage — one in which both of you can feel chosen and cherished again.

We need to change how we understand forgiveness because it’s extremely difficult to forgive someone while continuing to send them the message that they’re no longer worthy of being liked, valued, or respected.

To understand the power of this work, you have to abandon some long-held beliefs for a second.

Let’s start with scorekeeping.

You can’t build enough connection to repair a marriage if forgiveness is reduced to an equal exchange of effort.

At some point, you have to move beyond what each person has done and begin asking whether emotional connection can exist despite the hurt that lives underneath each other’s behaviors.

In simpler terms, you have to start with my second challenge to you:

Ask yourself:

“Is there anything about my spouse that I still like?”

I’m asking you to answer that question because most relationship advice teaches couples to focus on the wrong things – the first being your differences.

The problem with focusing on our differences is that they become the root of our dislikes.

Forgiveness on the other hand requires us to recover a sense of what we still like about each other, what we have in common, and how we are the same.

Sure, our differences may explain parts of us.

But they rarely remind us that we belong together.

So, what does it mean to be in a relationship where you feel like you’re the same? Feel like you’re chosen and cherished?

For starters, it will feel like you and your spouse wake up every single day with a mission to send each other the message that you still choose them.

“But how does sending that message translate into forgiveness?” I can hear you asking.

Let me explain by asking you to complete my third challenge.

Ask yourself:

“What happens to resentment when you send your spouse the message that you see the good person you know they are?”

When they hear you asking yourself if there is still good in them, you create an opportunity for them to make a shift.

Instead of believing they will forever be defined by their worst behavior, they may begin working to become the person you still believe they can be.

In layman’s terms, you make it easier for them to begin sweeping their side of the street.

How’s that?

Because you are reminding them that they are more than their mistakes.

Sure, that doesn’t erase addictions, mental-health challenges, or harmful behavior.

Or sexual transgressions.

Or their lying, indifference, or lack of desire for affection and intimacy.

And you certainly won’t see a change in them overnight.

But asking if you can still see the good in them creates one very important condition necessary for repair: the belief that their redemption in your eyes is still possible.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: my approach to pain, forgiveness and repair is different from the mainstream.

Other therapists and ‘experts’ will want you to dissect the pain.

Relive the event.

And analyze the negative patterns of your relationship.

But that often doesn’t work at the pace we want it to.

That’s because no one moves when they feel bad about how they’re seen (and who they are) in the eyes of their spouse.

And now we come to the second-to-last challenge I have for you today.

I want you to ask yourself,

“Do I like my spouse as much today as I did when we first met?”

If you can’t answer yes to that question, it’s because pain, frustration and resentment have triggered a loss of likability.

And now, the hurt that comes with that loss obscures every good thing your spouse does, and every admirable quality they still possess.

I see this in couples who have been married for decades.

Their spouse has remained loyal, committed and present — yet those qualities disappear beneath a collection of hurts.

The thing is, likability doesn’t have to disappear.

Here’s a case in point.

Meredith leaves her breadboard and crumbs on the counter almost every morning.

I can choose to focus on the crumbs, or I can remember that this is a woman who has never lied to me, never cheated on me, and has stood beside me through thick and thin.

That’s a small annoyance – I get that.

But it’s poignant because it reminds me that forgiveness requires you to begin looking for the parts of your spouse you still genuinely like – and not just the small ways in which they annoy you.

I’m not telling you to ignore the hurts.

Or that they don’t matter.

But the hurts your partner causes you cannot remain the only thing you see about them.

If you let pain and resentment change how you see your spouse, it will change which parts of yourself that you give them access to.

You will guard yourself.

You’ll stop reaching for them.

And eventually, both of you will become more invested in self-protection than reconnection.

Thankfully, we have ways to fight that disconnection.

In Choosing Us, I share two vows that I ask couples to consider — one grounded in selflessness and the other in self-reflection.

Together, they change the question from “When will my spouse finally change?” to “How are we choosing to show up today?”

I’m going to resist unpacking those vows here because they deserve more than a short explanation.

Just remember that forgiveness doesn’t ask you to deny what happened.

And it definitely doesn’t require you to carry your marriage alone.

It asks whether you are willing to stop making your spouse’s worst behavior the final verdict on who they are as a person.

Whether your marriage survives or not, your freedom from pain may begin when you can see them as a human being who caused you pain — not as the embodiment of the pain itself.

My final challenge to you:

“Can you separate who your spouse is from what they’ve done?”

That is where forgiveness begins.

Before Part 2, I want you to write down your answers to all these challenge questions:

1. Are you willing to say, “I want a chosen and cherished marriage, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to have it.”

2. “Is there anything about my spouse that I still like?”

3. “What happens to resentment when you send your spouse the message that you see the good person you know they are?”

4. “Do I like my spouse as much today as I did when we first met?”

5. “Can you separate who your spouse is from what they’ve done?”

Remember to focus on the qualities you still genuinely like about your spouse — most importantly, the parts of who they are you still like that their worst behavior hasn’t erased.

You don’t have to share it with them yet.

You just have to prove to yourself that the pain isn’t the only thing you can still see.

In solutions and strength,

aka “Mr Chosen & Cherished”

P.S. As you dig into the coming parts of the Forgiven Spouse Manifesto, I want to invite you to join me inside the Choosing Us Pre-Order Experience.

When you preorder Choosing Us, you’ll get workshops, the Marital Inventory relationship assessment, and most importantly, a spot in our six-week Chosen & Cherished Marriage Intensive beginning in November.

That’s $2,250 in bonuses — absolutely FREE with your preorder.

If you haven’t ordered Choosing Us yet, preorder your copy and claim your bonuses today.