I just wrapped a session with a couple (we’ll call them Mark and Jenna) who were this close to calling it quits.
There’d been no cheating.
No massive blowups.
Just a slow, quiet drift into irritation and disconnection.
I remember the moment I asked them what they appreciated about each other…
And they both froze.
They hadn’t looked for it in months.
So we didn’t start with communication skills.
We didn’t unpack childhood wounds.
We started by changing one thing:
What they were paying attention to.
Most couples think they’re falling out of love.
They’re not. They’re focusing on what’s missing.
The spark is gone.
Patience is thinner.
They focus on the little things that annoy each other.
Do that, and your brain starts building a case:
“We’ve grown apart.”
The shift I’m challenging you to make is in what you choose to focus on.
What actually happens in long-term relationships is that your brain stops tracking what it likes…
And starts tracking what’s missing.
What they didn’t say.
What they didn’t do.
How they showed up wrong.
And once that shift happens, it’s not only subtle. It’s brutal.
Here’s what I gave Mark & Jenna that helped them turn a corner:
I had them write down 5 things the other had done well in the last 7 days.
I told them their examples had to be:
For example:
“I really liked how she…”
“I was proud that he…”
“We worked hard and overcame…”
Just real examples. The simpler the better.
When Mark and Jenna tried it, it felt hard at first. But after a few days of this exercise, things started to shift between them.
By the next session, Jenna said:
“I feel softer toward him.”
Nothing dramatic had happened.
Mark didn’t become a different husband.
She just started seeing the one she already had.
So I encourage you to try it tonight.
Not in your head. Actually write it down, on paper.
Update the file you keep on your partner.
And watch what happens to how you feel about them.
If you do it, hit reply and tell me what you noticed.
I read every one.
