Month: October 2025

I just finished working with a couple who’d been in therapy for over a year before they came to see me.

Why did they call me after 12 long months of working with their therapist?

Because they made very little progress.

But I didn’t need them to tell me that.

I knew why in the first 5 minutes of working with them.

They were the kind of couple that could list their differences like a grocery receipt:

• She’d say she was spontaneous, he liked structure
• She wanted depth, he wanted peace
• She felt everything, he analyzed everything

“Great. You know how you’re different,” I thought.

Good job that their last therapist helped them understand each other’s differences, if you like being in therapy for months on end…

They were taught to respect their differences. To accept them. And work around them.

And so they did.

They analyzed. They labeled. They tried to “honor” each other’s wiring.

But every session made them feel more like roommates than partners in love.

Because the more they focused on their differences, the further apart they grew.

That’s when I told them something they’d never heard before:

“Therapy that focuses on differences keeps couples divided.”

You see, when you spend all your energy analyzing what doesn’t work, you lose touch with what does.

You start treating your partner like a problem to be solved instead of a person to be loved.

Here’s what I tell my couples, over and over again:

It’s your similarities, not your differences, that keep you connected.

You already come from wildly different backgrounds.

You are guaranteed to have beliefs that don’t align.

And don’t get me started on what differing political views can do to a relationship.

Focusing on your differences will wreak havoc on your relationship.

The antidote?

Turn your attention to the overlap.

Start asking what your values, desires, and dreams are.

Remember those early days when you fell in love?

I do.

I can remember hanging off Meredith’s every word.

Talking. Asking her questions. Looking for ways in which we were alike. Ways in which we were compatible. Ways in which we were the SAME!

Reconnecting to your partner happens when you focus on sameness.

Concentrating on how you are the same creates safety.

And more importantly, it attaches a parachute to vulnerability.

And it’s vulnerability that’ll keep your relationship alive.

So instead of asking, “Why are we so different?”

Start asking, “How are we still the same?”

Your marriage won’t get better itemizing your differences.

It’ll grow when you feed and water your similarities.

So here’s your homework for the week:

Give yourselves a week to fill just one sheet of paper with all the ways in which you and your partner are the same.

Ask yourselves:

“When do we see eye to eye?”

“What do we have in common?”

“What are the things in life that are important to both of us?”

Spend this week looking for similarities, and you’ll be shocked at how quickly your walls start to crumble.

In strength & solutions,

Most couples think they’re fighting about money, chores, or kids.

They’re not.

They’re fighting about fear.

Fear of rejection.
Fear of losing control.
Fear of not being loved in the way they want.

I told our first Chosen & Cherished Club group on Thursday: “Fear doesn’t protect you. It isolates you.”

Here’s what I mean.

Fear builds walls that people disguise as boundaries.

It convinces you to pull away, withhold affection, overanalyze every gesture… all to avoid one thing: pain.

And yet, avoiding pain is exactly what creates more fear.

It’s like you’re living in a constant state of, “How can I avoid what I don’t want?”

And in doing that, you stop building what you do want.

You spend your energy preventing disaster instead of creating connection.

You play defense with your emotions instead of offense with your love.

A healthy relationship isn’t defined by the absence of pain or fear.

It’s defined by how you move through it, together.

When people finally get that, it’s like watching oxygen rush back into their marriage.

Because describing what your partner isn’t doing – “He wouldn’t…” / “She should stop…” – isn’t connection.

It’s like saying, “If I could just breathe out all the carbon dioxide, I’d be fine.”

No, you need oxygen. You need something life-giving to take in.

So replace “How can we stop hurting each other?”
with “What would it look like if we were deeply connected?”

That’s the difference between fear and connection.

Fear shrinks your imagination to the size of your wounds.
Connection expands it to the size of your dreams.

Start building a rich image of what you want: safety, playfulness, desire, trust. When you do, you stop dodging landmines and start planting gardens.

Try this tonight:

Ask yourself, “If I wasn’t afraid of being hurt, what would I do differently right now?”

Then do that thing.

Send the loving text.
Ask for the longer hug.
Use the softer tone.
Give the unconditional apology.

That’s what rewires love.

Fear says, protect yourself. Connection says, trust yourself.

Fear keeps score. Connection builds grace.

Fear waits for safety. Connection creates it.

You can’t do both at once.

So choose.

And let the love you build be bigger than the pain you’re avoiding.

In faith and strength,