December 2025 - Jonathan Van Viegen

Love fades. Choice doesn’t.

Posted on December 30, 2025October 6, 2026 by Meredith

Last month, I received a WhatsApp message from a woman that stopped me cold.

She said, “I love my husband. I just don’t think I’m in love with him anymore.”

Fourteen years together.
Two kids.
And she felt relief every time he left the house.

Her message gut-punched me because, about eleven years ago, I thought Meredith felt that way about me.

The difference?

I understood what was actually happening. And more importantly, I knew how to fix it.

This woman, like so many couples, was asking the wrong questions:

“Why don’t I feel it anymore?”
“Is something wrong with us?”
“Are we even meant to be together?”

The question that matters isn’t about feelings.

It’s this:

“Do I still choose you even when the feeling isn’t there?”

Here’s why that question changes everything:

Feelings fluctuate.
Choice stabilizes.

In the honeymoon phase, the feelings are doing all the work. Chemistry is high. Attention is effortless. Giving each other your presence is easy.

You feel chosen and so does your partner.

Then life shows up.

Work.
Mortgages.
Kids.
Stress.
Responsibility.

None of those kill love. But they do crowd out the intentional choosing you do of one another…

What slowly disappears isn’t affection. It’s priority.

Time together shrinks. Curiosity fades.
Enjoyment becomes optional instead of protected.

And one day, you wake up and say, “I don’t feel the same anymore.”

Here’s what’s really happening: it’s not that the feelings have disappeared.

It’s the choosing that has.

So if you want the connection back…
If you want the feelings back…
If you want the closeness you swear used to be there…

Stop chasing chemistry. Start practicing intention.

Say and show them:

“I’m here on purpose.”
“I still choose you.”
“I’m making space for us again.”

Because love doesn’t fall apart when feelings fade.

It falls apart when no one chooses to be intentional in the relationship anymore.

And the couples who make it?

They don’t wait to feel in love again.

They decide to be.

I should be on a plane right now…

Posted on December 22, 2025October 6, 2026 by Meredith

I should be on a plane right now.

Instead, at 6:04am this morning, Meredith came into our room and said two words that changed our holiday forever:

“She’s sick.”

She was talking about my 13-year-old.

The one who went to a friend’s house two days ago for a Christmas party.

The one whose friend was diagnosed with Influenza A yesterday.

And now my sweet daughter is lying in bed with the same fever.
The same body aches.
The same chills.

Which means no flight for us.

No holidays with family we haven’t seen in three years.
No long hugs at the airport.
No shared meals.
No memories we were already making in our minds.

Just… disappointment.

Meredith’s been crying most of the day. I can’t blame her.

She’s been the engine of our family for eight years… ever since we left Canada.

She needed a break.
She needed help putting on Christmas.
She needed a hug from her own mom.

But here’s the thing I’m taking from today:

Disappointment is not conquering our relationship.
Not today.
Not ever.

Disappointment is a sneaky devil.

And it rarely shows up alone.

It always brings friends.

Fear.
Pain.
Guilt.
And don’t forget anger.

And those four love nothing more than turning couples against each other.

Before you know it, you’re looking at your partner as if they are the source of everything that hurts.

That’s how couples end up fighting each other instead of lining up on the same side against the chaos of disappointment.

But Meredith and I made a different move.

We named it.
Out loud.

“This sucks. But it’s not our fault.”

And just like that, we stayed in the same boat.

Same direction.
Same oars.
Same rhythm.

Because here’s the truth most couples never get taught:

It’s not conflict that pulls you apart.

It’s misguided blame (with roots in disappointment) that does the real damage.

So do your relationship a favor this holiday season:

Kick disappointment out of the driver’s seat.

Take five seconds to remember that you’re on the same side.

That disappointment is the enemy… not each other.

Is this why your relationship feels distant lately?

Posted on December 9, 2025October 6, 2026 by Meredith

I tell every couple I work with the same thing:

“If I can sell you on speaking a new language in your marriage, your behavior will change. And when your behavior changes, your relationship can’t not change.”

Here’s an example. Recently, I started with a couple I’ll call Sara & Hendrick.

They live in Germany.
They have a little boy.
They work opposite schedules, like two ships passing in the night.

On paper, they “weren’t that bad.”
No affair. No separation papers on the table.
But in reality? They were drifting apart.

When I asked them how the last few weeks had been, I heard a familiar story:

Late work hours
Social plans that always seemed to win over couple time
A feeling of being “second place” to everything else

Hendrick quietly admitted that when Sara chose her activities or hobbies over spending time with him, he felt snubbed.

It left him feeling alone, and unchosen.

But Sara also felt alone.

She wanted Hendrick to be more emotionally stable, to manage conflict better, and to stop pulling other people into their arguments.

She wanted to feel like he could keep his emotions regulated when the topic of the health of their relationship came up.

Two people, in the same house, both wanting the same thing:

“Show me I matter by making me feel safe.”

They just weren’t asking for it in a way the other person could hear.

I still remember the moment in the session when everything clicked.

I asked Hendrick:

“What message would you get if she chose sometimes to go out with you, or stay home, just to be together?”

He paused.

“That she cares… and that I’m important to her.”

Then I asked Sara:

“And if he learned to stay emotionally grounded and deal with conflict just between the two of you… what would that give you?”

She didn’t hesitate:

“I’d feel calmer. Safer. More proud of him. More confident in us, and like he was choosing our relationship.”

Same relationship.
Same pain.
Same longing: “Please show me I’m safe.”

The only way to get there?

They had to get better at asking for what they want.

Just like a toddler won’t give up asking for that chocolate treat, we have to get really good at asking for what we want in our relationship.

Somewhere along the way, many of us learned:

“It’s selfish to ask.”
“It’s pointless; they won’t change.”
“If I say what I really want, it’ll start a fight.”

So we stop asking.

We stop believing our partner will care.

We stop trusting that the relationship can give us what we deeply want.

And then we tell ourselves:

“We’re just too different.”

For Hendrick and Sara, I gave them three simple homework questions, and when I checked back in at our next session, they had already started to feel a transformation happening.

Because couples who know how to ask… clearly, kindly, directly…

And who learn how to listen with their hearts, not just their ears…

Those couples stop drifting.

And they start building the marriage they actually want.

In solutions and strength,

When life gets busy, this is what keeps a marriage alive.

Posted on December 1, 2025October 6, 2026 by Meredith

It’s been 13 years since we had kids.

And somewhere along the way, the long, meandering conversations that used to fill our evenings … slowed down.

You probably know this rhythm, too.

Most couples today are negotiating connection inside a life that never stops moving.

And I get it. All too well. I’m in that exact season, and it doesn’t leave much room for deep conversation.

For a long time, I used to feel a little neglected living in that reality.

Now? I’m like China: I play the long game.

I’m thinking in decades, not months.

Instead of panicking about a temporary dry spell, I’ve learned how to sit in the background, stay connected, and wait patiently for my turn …

… because the long-term love story is still unfolding. And the conversations I am saving up … matter.

Here are the ones I can’t wait to have with Meredith (and the ones I hope spark something for you too):

Talking about faith, in God, in each other, and in our future.
Hearing how life is really affecting her, not just the surface-level updates.
Asking her, “What has to happen so you know you’re loved by me?”
The end-of-life stuff nobody wants to talk about … but every couple needs to.
What our second act looks like once the kids launch.
And someday, replaying the tape with her. Telling her how beautiful our life has been, and how lucky I’ve been to love her.

Because the truth is, there’s one voice I never get tired of hearing: hers.

Over the years, we’ve disagreed. Fought hard. And cried harder.

But we’ve laughed even more.

And despite full days, demanding kids, and careers that never stop, our souls remain tethered.

She doesn’t even have to say a word most days.

I still spend every free second I have, loving her from whatever distance.

And maybe you needed this reminder today too:

Don’t worry if life has stolen some of your long conversations.

They come back. They always do … IF the connection is cared for.

Take one small moment this week to ask a question you’ve been saving.

Open a door you’ve been quietly waiting to walk through together.

Those little reconnections are what hold a marriage together in the busiest seasons of life.

In strength and solutions,