Category: Communication & Conflict

The Forgiven Spouse Manifesto: Part 3

This final part of the Forgiven Spouse Manifesto is about moving through conflict without losing each other in the process.

And I want to start with something I know will be controversial:

If you find yourself losing respect or admiration for your spouse mid-conflict,

Or if you find yourself not really liking your partner as a person anymore,

That’s more of a red flag about you than it is about them.

Allow me to elaborate.

When I hear that someone no longer respects, admires, or even likes their spouse, it tells me something:

You may have developed a pain-saturated view of your relationship.

You’re no longer just seeing what your spouse did.

You’re seeing them through what they did.

And those are two very different things.

One of the most important things we can learn in marriage is how to separate what someone has done from who they are.

That gets infinitely harder when we lose our likability for them.

Which is why, when a relationship becomes overwhelmed by pain, one of the first places I want to go is back to likability. 

Back to being able to say, even mid-fight:

“I really don’t like what you did to me right now. But I still like you.”

Or even:

“I don’t like what you did. But I still choose to like you.”

Pain is inevitable in marriage. But marriage requires us to learn how to move through it.

I want you to imagine yourself as a rock in a river. The water hits you…

But instead of violently splashing off you, you allow it to flow around you.

Too many of us do the opposite in marriage.

We experience every disappointment, insensitive comment, or forgotten promise like it’s soaking us from head to toe.

Until eventually we become so full of pain that there’s nothing about us that pain doesn’t touch.

I want to help you stay dry. I want you to learn to recruit your spouse into a get-rid-of-pain campaign.

That starts with telling them:

“I’m upset.”

“I’m unhappy with what happened.”

“I’m hurting.”

But instead of immediately making them the target of your pain, ask them to help you eliminate it.

Let them help you to not get soaking wet with it.

A marriage can be good and still have problems

Everything I’m saying assumes something important.

There are certain covenants that have to exist inside a marriage:

Loyalty. Honesty. Fidelity. Transparency. Commitment.

When those things are actively being violated, or when there is ongoing deception, infidelity, or dishonesty, we have something different to repair.

But I meet so many couples who tell me:

“Our marriage is terrible.”

And then I look closer and discover….

Nobody is lying or cheating. They’re loyal and committed. They’re transparent and have built a life together.

They just fight.

And when I discover they don’t like each other very much right now, or intimacy has disappeared, I find myself wanting to say:

“Zoom out.”

You may not have a bad marriage. You actually have a beautiful marriage… just with problems.

There’s a difference.

The pain-saturated couple sees the problems and concludes the marriage is bad.

The joy-saturated couple can see the problems and everything else that’s beautiful.

Every marriage has its soft spot.

The question is whether we allow that vulnerability to exist without protecting it.

Let me ask you: 

When did we give up the job of protecting each other? 

When did the person who was supposed to defend us become the threat inside our home?

The faster we can cultivate joy, admiration, respect, and likability again, the easier it becomes to let pain move through us rather than accumulate inside us.

Betrayal creates two journeys

When there has been a gross breach of the covenant of marriage, something unexpected happens.

Both spouses are suddenly thrust onto a journey. 

But they’re not on the same one.

The person who broke the trust has to go on a journey of maturity. They have to wake up to the reality:

“I hurt someone I love through my actions.”

And then they have to decide what kind of person they’re going to become.

It’s not enough to say:

“I won’t do it again.”

You have to go deeper:

“I don’t want to be someone who hurts my spouse like this anymore.”

I absolutely believe people can change.

I believe someone can lose their moral compass, do something devastating, wake up to what they’ve done, mature, and spend the rest of their life being loyal and devoted to the person they once hurt.

But the betrayed spouse wakes up on a different journey. And they didn’t choose it.

Last night, they went to bed thinking they knew their spouse, and their marriage.

Today they discovered their spouse betrayed them.

Now they’re on a journey of forgiveness.

And in many ways, I think that’s the harder journey. One person chose the actions that put them there. The other person had the journey thrust upon them.

But both journeys require maturity. And the thread that connects those journeys is forgiveness.

I don’t believe you can have a truly Chosen & Cherished marriage while permanently withholding forgiveness from your spouse.

Relationships thrive on oxygen and forgiveness is what delivers it.

Stop turning behavior into identity

This matters even in ordinary conflict.

When people swear, call names, or say deliberately hurtful things during fights, they’re often trying to soothe pain with more pain.

They’re looking for what might feel good for five seconds.

But now there’s another wound… and another.

Maybe you have two wonderful weeks and then one terrible fight. You can tell yourself:

“We’re a couple that has terrible fights every two weeks.”

Or:

“We’re a couple that has amazing weeks that occasionally get interrupted by a fight.”

Those aren’t the same identity. And I think identity matters.

I struggle with anger, so I can acknowledge:

“I struggle to keep my anger from hurting my wife when we’re fighting. That’s my cross to bear.”

Because I bring that struggle into the light, now I can work on it. 

Anger doesn’t have to own me. Indeed, I can struggle with something without turning it into who I am.

We need to extend that same grace to our spouse.

Because one of the most important things you can do during conflict is keep the conflict about behavior instead of identity.

“I’m angry about what you said.”

“I’m hurt by what you did.”

“I’m disappointed by what happened.”

“I’m not going to turn those things into who I think you are.”

Name-calling does the opposite. It attacks identity.

So try this instead:

“When I saw you do that…”

“When you said that…”

“This is how that landed for me…”

Talk about how you experienced their behavior without turning their behavior into their identity.

Most of the everyday hurts we inflict on each other can probably be boiled down to three things:

We were thoughtless.

We were lazy.

Or we were insensitive.

“If I’d thought better, maybe I wouldn’t have done it.”

“If I’d put in more effort, maybe I would have done it.”

“If I’d been more sensitive, maybe I would have recognized how much I hurt you.”

To never be thoughtless, lazy, or insensitive would require something none of us can offer:

Perfection.

Your spouse is going to fail you. And you’re going to fail them. The question is what happens next.

Get out of the courtroom

When pain overwhelms likability, couples enter what I call courtroom culture.

Suddenly, we’re no longer two people trying to repair something. We become litigators. I have my evidence. You have yours.

I defend my truth and you defend yours. And both of us fight tooth and nail to win our case:

Who was right?

Who was wrong?

Who hurt whom more?

Who owes whom what?

But here’s the problem: there’s no restitution that can perfectly match emotional pain.

How exactly do you repay someone for saying something that broke their heart?

How do you compensate them for days, weeks, or months of feeling unwanted?

How do you make the scales balance?

You can’t.

Which is why I believe the off-ramp from courtroom culture is forgiveness. Without forgiveness, we keep seeking a favorable verdict that remains elusive.

And eventually we turtle. We go into our shells.

Turtling looks like a husband who emotionally shuts down. It looks like a wife who gives the silent treatment for three days.

But the deeper turtling is the kind when we start hiding our heart.

We allow scar tissue to build. And while that scar tissue is accumulates, something else slowly drains away:

Our likability for our spouse.

Repair cleanly

Which brings us to repair.

When something hurts in your marriage, don’t spend three hours arguing about who’s at fault.

Ask:

“How do we fix this together?”

“What can we do differently next time?”

“What can we learn from this?”

“How can I make it up to you?”

Those questions matter because they’re rooted in curiosity. And curiosity tells your spouse: your perspective matters to me.

If forgiveness were abundant in our marriage, how much would we actually need to dissect the pain?

If we’re determined to make our spouse understand exactly how badly we’re hurting, then we grab the only person who isn’t drowning and pull them underwater with us.

But that’s the opposite of what we need.

If you’re drowning, you don’t need your spouse to drown too.

You need them to help you back onto shore.

Reconnect before you repair

When you’re in the middle of a fight, stop. Catch your breath. Let your body come down. And then come back to each other.

We need to reconnect before we repair.

Because repair is possible when two people genuinely don’t feel safe with each other.

Sometimes reconnecting is as simple as relaxing your shoulders. Or sitting beside each other instead of across from each other.

Take their hand. Touch their elbow.

And say:

“We’re going to fix this. But can we hug first?”

Your goal is to communicate:

“You’re safe.”

“I’m not going to attack you.”

“I’m ready to repair.”

Then move toward curiosity:

“How can we fix this?”

“What could I do differently?”

“What could I say differently?”

“How can I make it up to you?”

The moment you become genuinely curious, you’ve stopped trying to win.

And that’s the point.

They need to know that even while you’re hurt, angry, disappointed, or confused, you’re still trying to find your way back to them.

Pain doesn’t have to disappear for you to choose each other. Conflict doesn’t even have to disappear.

If we can stop turning pain into identity, and dragging each other into the courtroom, we can stop trying to win.

And we can focus on repair.

Which brings me to the one sentence that matters more than anything you can ever say to your spouse:

“I’m sorry for how I hurt you—intentionally or unintentionally.”

That sentence makes room for forgiveness.

That sentence protects your spouse.

And that message communicates… 

That after everything we’ve been through… 

I still choose you.

In solutions and strength,

P.S. If this manifesto helped you see conflict and repair differently, my new book, Choosing Us, will take you even deeper.

It’s available for preorder now ahead of its November 3 release.

Preorder your copy and claim your FREE spot in my six-week Chosen & Cherished Marriage Intensive (a $1,500 value) and start building a marriage where both of you feel chosen and cherished again.

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If you haven’t read Part 1 of this Manifesto, I challenged you to ask your spouse one question:

“How can I show you that I choose you today?”

Some of the responses people shared with me were beautiful.

“I asked my husband. He thought for several seconds and said, ‘I don’t know how to answer that.’ Then he got up, came over, and kissed me.”

That’s a meaningful win.

But one woman had a very different experience. She said:

“I asked him over our morning coffee while holding his hand. I got a blank, stunned look.

“He said, ‘I don’t know how I’m supposed to answer that,’ as though I was supposed to figure it out for him.

“That was all there was to it. It was void of any sense of connection or emotion. No further discussion was had.

“Then he promptly left to handle some things for his parents for the remainder of the day. He hasn’t been home yet and does not plan to join me during the call this evening.

“I feel so lost, disconnected, and discouraged.”

And it’s her response I want to begin with today.

Because what happens when you go first and your spouse doesn’t respond the way you hoped? 

What happens when you reach for them and they don’t reach back?

What happens when the question that was supposed to help them feel chosen only seems to push them further away?

This Is a New Language

Early in my career, after earning my graduate degree in marriage and family therapy, I decided I wanted to build an online practice.

Around that time, I listened to the infamous internet marketer Tai Lopez. One thing he said has always stuck with me:

“First they ignore you. Then they laugh at you. Then they fight you. And then they join you.”

Why am I quoting an internet marketer in a manifesto about forgiveness?

Because this is a new language.

And it’s likely a language that hasn’t been spoken inside your home for quite some time… whether that’s five years, 10 years, or 15 years.

Everything I teach is language-based and language-driven. And learning a new language takes practice.

In Part 1, I talked about pain and resentment becoming the cork in the bottle.

So what happens when you try to pull that cork out?

Think of an infant trying to pull a cork from a bottle. They’re not going to do a very good job.  They don’t have the grip strength yet.

Their muscles haven’t developed.

But an adult can pop the cork out.

It’s the same with the language we’re using.

If your spouse hasn’t heard you ask how you can make them feel chosen in a decade, they may not know what to do with the question.

They may ignore you.

They may laugh at you.

They may fight you.

And all of that will test one thing: Your perseverance.

It will test your belief in yourself, in them, and in your marriage. And it will test your courage.

Do you try this new way of speaking to your spouse, fail to receive the reaction you wanted, and then stop trying?

Because I think that’s what 90% of people do.

They try once. Their spouse looks confused, rejects them, or fails to offer the response they imagined.

And they decide:

“This doesn’t work.”

But you cannot run at the first sign of friction or resistance.

When that woman told me she felt completely discouraged, her husband’s response didn’t necessarily prove that he didn’t care.

It may have revealed how much pain and resentment he was carrying.

The more emphatically your partner pushes back, the harder they may be fighting to hold on to their version of the relationship.

They may be carrying so much pain, anger, resentment, and frustration that showing any sign of openness (any chink in the armour) feels threatening.

Opening themselves to you again means sticking their neck out again.

So they fight back. They hold on to the belief: “You are the source of my pain.”

Their view of the relationship has become saturated with pain. In their mind, all that pain exists because of you.

That doesn’t mean every part of their story is accurate.

When it comes to your partner’s pain, you may be handed all of it… including pain you didn’t cause.

Sometimes you’re even paying the fine for crimes other people committed.

Your spouse may need to hold on to the belief that you are the problem because it protects the way they currently understand their life:

“All the pain in this relationship is here because of you.”

And from inside that worldview, they may be unable to go first.

At least for now.

You Can Make the Vow. They May Not Be Ready.

In Part 1, I introduced two vows:

“I will hold your emotional well-being ahead of my own.”

And:

“I will show up better today than I did yesterday.”

You may be ready to make those vows.

Your spouse may not be… not yet.

Whether it’s the fear that admitting fault makes you a bad person or the belief that your spouse needs to change first, pain makes self-reflection difficult.

Both partners can use pain to hold onto the belief that they’re the one who is right. That’s why so many people refuse to go first.

And when they finally try but don’t get the reaction they wanted, they think:

“This won’t work.”

Or:

“This isn’t going anywhere.”

I cannot tell you this strongly enough:

You can’t tuck your tail between your legs and run in the opposite direction simply because you didn’t receive the response you wanted.

You have to be persistent.

I’m not telling you to pursue someone forever while they mistreat you.

I can’t tell you how long you should try. That’s a personal question only you can answer.

But I can tell you that one awkward response to a language your spouse hasn’t heard in years is not enough evidence to declare the relationship beyond repair.

You need to try again.

You need to try differently.

And you need to learn how to recognize movement when it happens.

Become an Expert at Reading the Room

This is probably one of my superpowers: I’ve become an expert at reading the room.

And you need to become one, too.

Imagine the trench warfare of World War I. If you gain one foot of territory, you dive into that trench, fortify it, defend it, and refuse to give it back.

You gained valuable ground.

Repair can work the same way. If you notice your spouse softening — even slightly — pay attention. If you see movement in them, memorize it.

Become an expert at reading the room and evaluating your progress along the path toward a better relationship.

Your job is to recognize and store your successes.

I call it timestamping.

When you do something that works, timestamp it in your mind:

“Okay, that’s what I want to replicate. That’s what I want to do again.”

Maybe your spouse didn’t answer your question, but they stayed at the table five minutes longer than they normally would. Timestamp it.

Maybe they rolled their eyes but later came back and sat beside you. Timestamp it.

Maybe they said, “I don’t know,” but then kissed you three times. Timestamp it.

Don’t dismiss any amount of small movement because it wasn’t the complete repair you wanted. That one foot of ground matters.

Timestamping it in your mind is how you cement progress.

People are more likely to show up better when they feel better about who they are. They become more willing to sweep their own side of the street.

Do you think it was an accident that I asked you to tell your spouse you choose them?

I wanted you to send them a positive message about who they are.

At first, they may not believe you. That’s what the woman at the beginning of this manifesto experienced.

Your message may have to pierce years of armor. But eventually, they may begin believing you.

And when they begin believing you, they may start looking at you differently.

They may begin trusting you again. They may see hope returning to the relationship.

That’s what we want: Forward progress.

You don’t need to memorize every sentence or find the perfect script.

What comes out of your mouth mid-argument or over morning coffee at 9:00 a.m. doesn’t need to be written by ChatGPT.

Read the room.

Timestamp what worked.

Do more of it.

Then find a way to do it even better.

Curiosity Is How We Cherish

Part 1 was about choosing your partner.

This Part 2 is about cherishing them.

And if you remember only one idea from this part of the manifesto, remember this:

Curiosity is one of the clearest ways to cherish your spouse.

Relationships don’t only fall apart because people stop loving each other. They fall apart because they stop being curious about one another.

A lack of curiosity is often one of the first signs that something is going wrong. When couples find themselves in a difficult place, they begin pulling away.

The questions disappear:

“How was your day?”

“How are you doing?”

“What are you up to?”

You stop asking because you think you already know the answers. Or you stop caring about the answers because pain has convinced you that nothing good is left to discover.

But curiosity communicates something powerful:

“Your inner world still matters to me.”

It tells your spouse:

“I don’t only want to manage your behavior. I want to know you.”

So I want you to read the room again:

How curious are you about your spouse?

And how curious are they about you?

Ask Better Questions

Curiosity doesn’t require perfect language. It requires questions that invite your spouse to tell you more about their world.

You could ask:

“What would have been helpful for me to ask you about?”

Or:

“How can I make you feel cherished tonight?”

The questions aren’t the point.

The message underneath them is:

“Your inner world matters to me.”

And:

“I still want to know you.”

You can also pair those questions with identity-level messages that show you notice and honor who your spouse is:

“I admire your loyalty.”

“I trust your heart.”

“I love how your mind works.”

“You’re steady.”

“I like who you are.”

“Your sense of humor is amazing.”

This is the gold. You aren’t only rewarding behavior. You’re reminding your spouse that pain hasn’t erased every good thing you see in them.

Your Challenge Before Part 3

During the next 24 hours, I want you to do two things.

First, ask your spouse one question that demonstrates genuine curiosity.

If you aren’t sure what to ask, begin here:

“What’s one thing you wish I were more curious about?”

Then listen.

Don’t defend yourself.

Don’t explain why you haven’t asked before.

Don’t turn their answer into another argument.

Listen for the thing that matters to them.

Second, send them one honest identity-level message. Name one thing you still like, admire, respect, or value about who they are.

And if they don’t respond the way you hoped, don’t immediately decide that your effort failed.

Read the room.

Look for the smallest sign of movement.

Timestamp it.

Then ask yourself:

“How can I do more of what worked?”

Remember the woman at the beginning of this manifesto. She reached for her husband and received a blank stare. Maybe you’ll receive the same thing.

But a blank stare isn’t always the end of the conversation.

Sometimes it’s the first response of someone who hasn’t felt safe enough to hope in a very long time.

You’re speaking a new language.

Give both of you time to learn it.

In solutions and strength,

aka “Mr Chosen & Cherished”