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JONATHAN VAN VIEGEN

Category: Commitment & Teamwork

Don’t beg them to stay… Give them a reason to wait instead.

Posted on by meredith
Happy Monday, everyone!
One of the hardest emails I ever get goes something like this:
“My wife says she’s done. She’s talking separation. What do I do?”
If that’s your situation, how you respond matters more than you realize.
If your spouse says they want out, then yes, your job is ten times harder than if they came to you months ago and said where their head was at.
Maybe they did. Maybe they didn’t.
None of that is important now because you have to focus on what you can do today.
What you have on your side is the fact that, in reality, very few people actually want to be single.
But many will trade the safety of a relationship for the freedom of getting away from pain.
Especially when they’ve reached the point of emotional exhaustion.
That’s the first hurdle you have to understand.
Their nervous system is fried.
Maybe it’s been your anger. Your defensiveness. Or your passivity… it doesn’t matter now what the source of their pain is.
Addressing that comes later.
The second hurdle you’re facing is just as important.
When someone has lived in pain long enough, they lose the ability to see the good that’s still there.
They can’t see that the person that they married still exists.
In fact, their pain makes it such that they don’t even want to look for that person.
That’s okay. It’s not their job to look for that right now.
It’s yours.
So what do you do?
You stop trying to convince them to stay.
Instead, your only goal is to make them feel safe enough to wait.
You might say something like:
“Sweetheart, I know I’ve hurt you. I’m not asking you to trust me today. I’m asking if you’d give me 24 hours at a time to show you I don’t have to keep being a source of your pain.”
Notice what you’re doing.
You’re not promising perfection.
You’re not asking for forever.
You’re simply asking for enough time to show them that you can be the person they needed all along.
If they agree to hit pause long enough to think, then you can ask a question that invites hope back into the room:
“If there was one thing I could do that would help you believe this marriage still has a chance… what would it be?”
(Side note: That question, I’d like to point out, isn’t something only people facing a crisis in their marriage need to ask. We can all rephrase it like this:“If there was one thing I could do that would make our marriage better… what would it be?”)
In closing, if your spouse can’t imagine a better future with you, there won’t be much to save.
But if you can help them imagine, even just a little, what different could look like, you may have something to build on.
Your goal right now isn’t to fix the marriage.
It’s to pause the pain long enough to give hope another chance.
In solutions and strength,
Image item
aka “Mr. Chosen & Cherished”
P.S. If your marriage feels like it’s hanging by a thread, don’t wait until someone packs a suitcase. The earlier couples learn these skills, the easier they are to apply. If you’d like help, you can learn more about working with me by booking a call here.

The real reason they won’t go to therapy… It’s probably not what you think.

Posted on by meredith
If my wife refused to go to therapy with me, here’s exactly what I’d do.
There’s something you need to understand about people who won’t go to therapy… or “work” on their relationship.
It’s usually not that they don’t want a better marriage.
Most do.
The cork in the bottle preventing them from doing any kind of couples work is often rooted in four emotions:
Fear.
Shame.
Guilt.
Or embarrassment.
But those aren’t really the problem.
The real cork is the belief that if they try, they’ll fail.
Think about it for a moment.
When was the last time you wanted to do something but didn’t because, deep down, you didn’t think you’d succeed?
The business you never started.
The workout plan that fizzled out.
The new hobby you gave up on.
People don’t like failing because failure forces them to look in the mirror and say, “I failed.”
So they avoid trying in the first place.
That’s why simply telling your spouse to “go to therapy” rarely works.
Before they’ll take a step toward your marriage, they need to believe they won’t fail.
And here’s the beautiful part.
You don’t have to convince them that therapy is the answer.
You simply have to remind them that the only true failure is refusing to take the first step.
I’m not asking you to give them hope.
I’m asking you to invite them into faith.
Faith that tomorrow can be better than today.
Faith that they can learn.
Faith that together, you can build something stronger than what you have right now.
It’s the same faith the two of you had when you stood in front of your friends and family and said, “I do.”
On your wedding day, you weren’t operating on hope.
You were operating on faith.
Faith that whatever came your way, you’d face it together.
That same faith can still exist today.
And if Meredith was reluctant to join me, this is where I’d start.
I’d look at her and say:
“Sweetheart, if we couldn’t fail…
If the only failure was not trying in the first place…
If we committed to learning more about each other, understanding each other better, and showing up better in our marriage…
Would you join me?
Would you believe that whatever we put our minds to, we could accomplish? That together, we could build a better marriage?”
Then I’d remind her that couples therapy isn’t the only path.
Reading a book together is a path.
Watching videos together is a path.
Taking a walk and having one honest conversation is a path.
Whatever path our marriage is meant to take, refusing to start down it is the only way we can guarantee failure.
But taking that first step — armed with the same faith we had when we said, “I do” — is a path I’m always willing to take.
In solutions and strength,
Image item
aka “Mr. Chosen & Cherished”
P.S. We’ve been working behind the scenes on something really special for everyone who pre-orders Choosing Us. I can’t share the details just yet, but if you’ve been thinking about picking up a copy, keep an eye on your inbox on August 1. I think you’re going to be glad you did.

Why our arguments don’t scare us anymore… We still disagree – but we don’t let it own us.

Posted on by meredith
Meredith and I know how to fight.
In fact, if fighting were an Olympic sport, the early years of our marriage would’ve gotten us on the podium.
Here’s what our fights used to look like:
One of us would get frustrated. The other would immediately sense it. Before long, we’d both be reacting instead of responding.
Sometimes I’d come in too hot.
Or she’d pull away emotionally.
Sometimes we’d switch roles just to keep things interesting.
The details would change. But the pattern didn’t.
That was 18 years ago.
Now, don’t get me wrong… we still disagree. In fact, we had one of those moments yesterday.
The difference is that our arguments don’t own us anymore.
They don’t spiral out of control and have us thinking about the exit like they used to.
That’s not by accident.
It’s because we’ve learned how to make each other feel safe while we’re in it.
When emotions start running hot, I remind Meredith that I’m not upset with her. I’m upset about something that happened.
And when she feels hurt by the way I’ve come across, we know how to slow things down, repair the moment, and find our way back to each other.
Eighteen years ago, we didn’t have those tools.
We thought one of us had to be the problem… (usually me since I had the biggest issue with anger when it came to the two of us.)
Now we know something completely different.
The person is never the problem.
It’s the problem that’s the problem.
If you pause the tone, or the defensiveness, or the yelling, just for a second…
You’ll create enough space to remember that the person standing in front of you isn’t the villain.
They’re simply reacting.
That one shift changes everything.
Because the moment your spouse no longer feels like the enemy, safety returns to the conversation.
And once safety returns, solutions usually aren’t far behind.
That’s exactly what I unpack in this week’s video:
It’s less than eight minutes long, and I’ll walk you through the three scripts Meredith and I use to stay connected… even when we disagree.
Ending conflict isn’t the goal.
Feeling safe while you work through it is.
In solutions and strength,
Image item
aka “Mr. Chosen & Cherished”

The marriage advice I disagree with most… “Taking space” almost broke them apart.

Posted on by Mariana-A

This is how quickly it can turn your life around.

A few months ago, a man in my Chosen & Cherished Club sent me a message.

He told me he had moved out because the marriage had become toxic. There was trauma there, the resentment ran really deep, and neither of them saw a way through it.

But then he found my DIY program, he and his wife started it, and something magical happened: after a few weeks, his wife asked him to move back in.

And he sent me a message, crediting this unexpected 180 to what they’d learned in the program, and thanking me for saving his marriage.

I hesitate to take that much credit because, as any therapist will tell you, it’s the client who has to actually do the work.

But I can’t lie: it definitely brings me joy and fuels my heavy workload when I hear stories like this.

But one thing he said in particular really stood out to me, because it confirmed so perfectly the mistake I see couples – and other therapists – make, time and time again…

And that’s the impulse that they need space in order to figure things out.

But space is usually just the first slip down what becomes a very slippery slope to the end of a relationship.

As he put it, “I think the ‘moving out’ space almost destroyed our marriage and any hope…I think if we had heard of you prior to me moving out it might have not happened. I think for repair it’s important that I am home.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, hits the nail on the head.

You don’t need space in order to figure things out or make it better.

So many couples assume that some space and distance will bring them clarity.

And sure, occasionally it does.

But more often than not, it just makes things worse, and the relationship gets harder to repair.

What you actually need is a different S-word: safety.

You need to feel safe enough to tell the truth. To be vulnerable.

To set aside resentment for a few minutes, drop the defenses, and start connecting.

Only by starting with that connection can you truly work on repair.

Now, some couples are really great at self-study, and some save their relationship just from watching my reels.

But if you’re having trouble doing that on your own, then it might be time to see how I can help.

The best place to start is with a Clarity Call. I’ll take a few minutes to understand what’s going on for you, and help you identify the biggest obstacles standing between you and the marriage you want.

Then, if I believe I can help, I’ll show you what that path could look like.

These calls are best suited for couples who are serious about repair, willing to look at their own role in the problem, and ready to stop repeating the same conversations over and over again.

If that sounds like you, click here to book a Clarity Call.

I’d love to help you create a marriage where you both feel chosen and cherished.

 

In strength and solutions,
Image item
aka “Mr. Chosen & Cherished”

20 seconds to save your relationship… When life is chaos, do this.

Posted on by meredith

I’ve been crashing out over a deadline for 2 weeks now.

I got 10 days left to deliver my final manuscript to my publisher.

So yeah… I missed last week’s newsletter. And this one’s late, too.

We’re also moving in 4 days.

Perfect freakin’ crazy timing.

But honestly, my stress is not all that different from yours.

If none of us are careful in how we deal with it, we’ll end up turning on each other.

So how do you stop that?

Physical connection.

You can’t control the chaos around you.

Deadlines.
Kids.
Work.
Money.

But you can control whether your partner feels like they’re with you… or against you.

So, if you’ve got no time left in your day,
Or no energy to talk,

Do this:

Hug your partner for 20 seconds.

And say:
“Thank you for not turning on me.”

You have to calm your nervous systems.

You can do that with hours of talking…
Or in 20 seconds with a simple hug.

That’s enough to change the tone of your whole relationship.

In solutions and strength,
Image item

aka “Mr. Chosen & Cherished”

The grass isn’t greener… You’re just standing somewhere else

Posted on by meredith

I’m going to say something that might save your marriage.

The “grass is greener” mindset has destroyed more relationships than I care to count.

And it’s really hard to watch.

After 17 years of marriage…
and helping thousands of couples fight for theirs…

I can tell you exactly how this plays out.

Someone marries a good one.

A stable one.
A safe one.
The person who makes them laugh.

And then one day, they wake up and think:

“I’m missing something.”
“I don’t feel the spark anymore.”
“I’m not sure I’m happy here.”

And that’s the moment everything starts going sideways (and fast).

What no one tells you is that the “more” they’re chasing, doesn’t exist.

At least not the way they think it does.

Last time I checked, novelty fades in every relationship.

The spark you feel with someone new?

It’s usually gone in months (if not weeks). It fades there too.

So, if someone trades familiar love for unfamiliar uncertainty, that’s not growth.

It’s at best avoidance… at worst, delusion.

The grass isn’t greener on the other side.

It’s greener where you water it.

And the partner someone’s thinking about leaving?

There’s a good chance they’d have been willing to water it with their partner this whole time.

And their commitment isn’t common.

In fact, it’s rare.

So, to the person who gets left even when they’re committed to making it work, I’d say this:

You’re not the problem.

You’re the kind of person people spend their entire lives searching for.

In faith and strength,
Image item
aka “Mr. Chosen & Cherished”

P.S. I made a video about how to fix a marriage when you feel like roommates. If you’ve got 9 minutes today, it’s worth a watch. Here’s the link.

P.S.S. I sent out my Marital Inventory in last week’s newsletter. Many people have asked for it again this week, so here it is.

FYI: The Marital Inventory is a 3 day mini-course that’ll walk you through the right questions to ask so you can get a clear picture of where your relationship is at.

It’s absolutely free.

Before you access the course, watch this video to get yourself the framework from which you want to approach any big decision about your relationship.

Then, click this link to access the Marital Inventory

Take your time with it.

And if you have any questions about it, send me a message and I’ll help you out.

Before you decide anything… do this first. Most couples skip this step – and regret it later

Posted on by meredith
Last month, I sat with two different couples who were contemplating divorce.
Which kills me because they both had kids. And businesses. And history.
The whole time they’re talking to me, they’re working hard to present their cases for why they should leave.
There was a ton of hurt. Lack of curiosity. And even betrayal in one couple.
The feelings I get every time I help a couple through the process of discerning if their relationship is worth saving, I find myself struggling to contain frustration.
Frustration that no one teaches people to pause.
Pause, catch your breath, and zoom TF out.
Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to make a decision about the future of your relationship while you find yourself mired in deep emotional pain.
Why?
For the same reason you don’t bet the next mortgage payment on black when you’re having a lucky day.
The only way in which I’d decide the fate of my marriage is if I felt a cool sense of confidence and clarity.
I’d know exactly what my marriage had to offer me: the bad and the good.
Which is why I created the Marital Inventory.
It’s a 3-step mini-course.
And you can access it here for absolutely free (for this week only).
The only thing is that before you do the course, you have to put yourself in the right frame of mind.
Otherwise the course will have little to no effect on you.
To do that, watch this video I made first.
Then, before you make any big decisions, start with this:
Take your time with it.
Be honest, and don’t rush to conclusions.
And if you have any questions about it, send me a message and I’ll help you out.
In solutions and strength,
Image item
aka “Mr. Chosen & Cherished”

Action is more important than perfection

Posted on by meredith
Today we’re talking about the importance of taking action.

Here’s a quote to hang on your fridge:

Action is more important than perfection.
So many people wait for everything to be aligned… to feel “ready”… for schedules to line up…
When the only thing that is going to help…
The only step that has a chance of moving the needle…
The only real decision you have to make…
Is to stop waiting for the right moment, and just do something.
Taking one step forward is going to do more for you than staying stuck where you are today.
I’ve seen a few examples of this over the past couple of weeks that I had to share with you, in case it gives you the inspiration and motivation to take whatever action you’ve been contemplating…

… whether it’s something like personal like getting back in the gym or applying for that new job…

… or a relationship goal you’ve been meaning to achieve, like more date nights, less Netflix and more intimacy, or finally starting that course you’ve been meaning to try.

Here’s a message I received from a man who took a last-ditch chance on saving his marriage by joining my 3-Day Challenge last week.

He could have just accepted defeat, thrown in the towel, and let his marriage fade away… but instead, he took action, and now they’re moving forward, together.
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And then my wife, Meredith, who is a key part of our group coaching programs (definitely the crowd favorite!), received this message from another Challenge participant:
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Not only did they take action to do the 3-Day Challenge, but they then jumped in further and have joined our C&C Marriage Reset coaching program that just started today. That’s taking some major action, that’s shown them results in a matter of days!

People sometimes hesitate to take action because they’re afraid it will take too long to see results… or that it won’t work… or they’ll feel foolish for trying.

I can tell you: it’s far better to try and fail, then never try at all.

Because the other possible outcome?
That you achieve more than you thought possible, and your life transforms more than you’d ever believe.
So tell me: what’s one thing you’ve been wanting to do, that you could put into action today?

Hit reply and tell me – I read every message.

In faith and strength,
Image item
aka “Mr. Chosen & Cherished”