I tell every couple I work with the same thing:
“If I can sell you on speaking a new language in your marriage, your behavior will change. And when your behavior changes, your relationship can’t not change.”
Here’s an example. Recently, I started with a couple I’ll call Sara & Hendrick.
They live in Germany.
They have a little boy.
They work opposite schedules, like two ships passing in the night.
On paper, they “weren’t that bad.”
No affair. No separation papers on the table.
But in reality? They were drifting apart.
When I asked them how the last few weeks had been, I heard a familiar story:
- Late work hours
- Social plans that always seemed to win over couple time
- A feeling of being “second place” to everything else
Hendrick quietly admitted that when Sara chose her activities or hobbies over spending time with him, he felt snubbed.
It left him feeling alone, and unchosen.
But Sara also felt alone.
She wanted Hendrick to be more emotionally stable, to manage conflict better, and to stop pulling other people into their arguments.
She wanted to feel like he could keep his emotions regulated when the topic of the health of their relationship came up.
Two people, in the same house, both wanting the same thing:
“Show me I matter by making me feel safe.”
They just weren’t asking for it in a way the other person could hear.
I still remember the moment in the session when everything clicked.
I asked Hendrick:
“What message would you get if she chose sometimes to go out with you, or stay home, just to be together?”
He paused.
“That she cares… and that I’m important to her.”
Then I asked Sara:
“And if he learned to stay emotionally grounded and deal with conflict just between the two of you… what would that give you?”
She didn’t hesitate:
“I’d feel calmer. Safer. More proud of him. More confident in us, and like he was choosing our relationship.”
Same relationship.
Same pain.
Same longing: “Please show me I’m safe.”
The only way to get there?
They had to get better at asking for what they want.
Just like a toddler won’t give up asking for that chocolate treat, we have to get really good at asking for what we want in our relationship.
Somewhere along the way, many of us learned:
- “It’s selfish to ask.”
- “It’s pointless; they won’t change.”
- “If I say what I really want, it’ll start a fight.”
So we stop asking.
We stop believing our partner will care.
We stop trusting that the relationship can give us what we deeply want.
And then we tell ourselves:
“We’re just too different.”
For Hendrick and Sara, I gave them three simple homework questions, and when I checked back in at our next session, they had already started to feel a transformation happening.
Because couples who know how to ask… clearly, kindly, directly…
And who learn how to listen with their hearts, not just their ears…
Those couples stop drifting.
And they start building the marriage they actually want.
In solutions and strength,
